Benny’s Back
By: Benny Cartwright
While I have spent plenty of time in our local bars and nightclubs, one type of nightlife experience I had never taken part in is the “circuit party.”
What is a circuit party? It’s described by some sources as a dance and social event for gay men that extends through an entire night and into the following day. Circuit parties are held along with a number of affiliated events in the days leading up to and following the main event.
These types of parties are held around the country, with many gay men spending thousands of dollars a year on travel, outfits, and admission to these events. As social as I am, many people don’t realize that I’m very uncomfortable in large crowds and will usually avoid our local bars during their peak hours when they are wall-to-wall with revelers. And as I get a bit older, the quieter the bar the better for me, which is why I usually just go to afternoon happy hours (but yes, I admit, sometimes my plan to just stay for happy hour extends late into the night).
But circuit parties just never appealed to me. Whether I wasn’t comfortable with my body image (these events are known to be filled with very beautiful, scantily-clad men), or I couldn’t afford it, or the thought of being on a crowded dance floor made my anxiety skyrocket. I also always had the idea that these events were cliquey and full of “mean girl” gays. So, I just stayed away from the scene.
Well, that all changed this year. As many of you know, I worked the door at venues around town for years, including Rich’s, Numbers, Uptown Tavern, and others during a variety of special events. It was such a pleasure to be there and get to greet everyone who came through the door but as my day job commitments got busier and I really just got tired of working every weekend, I mostly retired from my door gigs.
But I still get the itch every once in a while and when I’m asked, I usually say yes. Over Pride weekend in July, I was asked to work the check-in table for the Unite! Music Festival, and over Thanksgiving weekend, I worked for the Turn San Diego Glow Festival. And what a marvelous experience it was.
The love, energy, and good vibes I felt all weekend long were incredible. It was exhausting — the parties during Pride weekend went til 6 or 8 am, and two of the Thanksgiving weekend parties went til 5 am, but I really enjoyed every moment of it. All of my preconceived notions about the “circuit boys” were put to rest.
While I didn’t partake on the dance floor, I found everyone to be incredibly nice and grateful to have me there. Hundreds of well-built men in jockstraps and bikinis passed through my line and every single person was so kind. In fact, another reason I was tired of working the door at the Hillcrest nightspots was that so many people have become incredibly rude in recent years. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t too keen on arguing with 21-year-old college women about a $10 cover charge anymore.
And this past Sunday, the Turn festival ended with a day party at The Merrow in Hillcrest, and the mood was more “chill,” so I was able to spend less time working, and more time hanging out and enjoying the music and atmosphere. I made so many new friends, people I might not have even considered friendships with before, and I am so grateful I gave this experience a chance. These guys (and some women who attend) are full of love, and just want to let loose and live life to the fullest. It helped me remember the importance of these spaces – especially for gay men — to come together and be free.
Speaking of spaces for gay men, I want to apologize to local promoter Paul Gunn, known for events like TRICK and HANMANDLE. Paul is bringing back his TRICK event tonight (Friday, Dec. 1) at The Rail, and it’s looking to be a great time in a space specifically designed for men of all types. In his marketing materials, Paul wrote something that struck me as off and in my anger about it, I called him a misogynist and threatened to use this column to call him out on it.
The line that struck me was: “We strive to keep this event a male only space for you to feel comfortable in so you needn’t bring your girlfriends. Fag hags are so 90’s.”
I’ve thought long and hard about it and realized there is value in a space for men and men only. In fact, someone explained it over this past weekend while I was working at the Turn Festival.
The main security guard at the event was female. She was lovely, gay-friendly, and totally open to the community. At one point, she wanted to peek her head into the main room where the dance floor was and she said there were noticeable gasps from the guys when she walked in. The room was full of men in jockstraps, many feeling the sexy, energetic vibe of the room, and enjoying each other’s bodies. When a woman is brought into the equation, it can change the vibe.
This person explained further that gay men have also felt like “protectors” of our female friends. For years, non-LGBTQ women have come to gay bars to feel safe from the male gaze they get in traditional bars, and when the men are in a hyper-sexual environment with each other, they can’t take on that same protector role. Just as many women create spaces exclusively for women, sometimes gay men need their own spaces, too (and of course, inclusive of trans men).
I get it and understand why Paul wants to create a male-positive space, especially since so many of our bars have been overrun by non-LGBTQ people in recent years. It’s made things uncomfortable.
I will hold to my feeling that Paul’s statement “Fag hags are so ’90s” is a bit off-color, as I feel he could have made the point that this is an intentional men’s space without denegrating “fag hags.”
I have no problem with the word “fag” — I use it lovingly all the time with my other gay friends (and some idiot once anonymously tried to get me in trouble with my employer when I lovingly referred to my friends in a photo as “my fags.”). But “fag hags,” in my opinion, are those women who us gay men “dragged around” to everywhere we went so we wouldn’t have to go out alone, these were the women who loved us unconditionally no matter how awful we were to them sometimes. These are the women who are a part of our community because they “get it” and will always have our back. I regard them differently than the new crowd of folks who come to our bars because “it’s cool” and don’t adhere to our community norms.
With that said, I don’t believe Paul is a misogynist and I apologize for my very public post calling him that. We may disagree on some terminology but that’s ok – no one agrees on everything. I’m excited for his event and look forward to this space to celebrate male sexuality and have a good time.
Happy holidays!
–Benny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.
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