Bennyβs Back
By: Benny Cartwright
While I have spent plenty of time in our local bars and nightclubs, one type of nightlife experience I had never taken part in is the βcircuit party.β
What is a circuit party? Itβs described by some sources as a dance and social event for gay men that extends through an entire night and into the following day. Circuit parties are held along with a number of affiliated events in the days leading up to and following the main event.
These types of parties are held around the country, with many gay men spending thousands of dollars a year on travel, outfits, and admission to these events. As social as I am, many people donβt realize that Iβm very uncomfortable in large crowds and will usually avoid our local bars during their peak hours when they are wall-to-wall with revelers. And as I get a bit older, the quieter the bar the better for me, which is why I usually just go to afternoon happy hours (but yes, I admit, sometimes my plan to just stay for happy hour extends late into the night).
But circuit parties just never appealed to me. Whether I wasnβt comfortable with my body image (these events are known to be filled with very beautiful, scantily-clad men), or I couldnβt afford it, or the thought of being on a crowded dance floor made my anxiety skyrocket. I also always had the idea that these events were cliquey and full of βmean girlβ gays. So, I just stayed away from the scene.
Well, that all changed this year. As many of you know, I worked the door at venues around town for years, including Richβs, Numbers, Uptown Tavern, and others during a variety of special events. It was such a pleasure to be there and get to greet everyone who came through the door but as my day job commitments got busier and I really just got tired of working every weekend, I mostly retired from my door gigs.
But I still get the itch every once in a while and when Iβm asked, I usually say yes. Over Pride weekend in July, I was asked to work the check-in table for the Unite! Music Festival, and over Thanksgiving weekend, I worked for the Turn San Diego Glow Festival. And what a marvelous experience it was.
The love, energy, and good vibes I felt all weekend long were incredible. It was exhausting — the parties during Pride weekend went til 6 or 8 am, and two of the Thanksgiving weekend parties went til 5 am, but I really enjoyed every moment of it. All of my preconceived notions about the βcircuit boysβ were put to rest.
While I didnβt partake on the dance floor, I found everyone to be incredibly nice and grateful to have me there. Hundreds of well-built men in jockstraps and bikinis passed through my line and every single person was so kind. In fact, another reason I was tired of working the door at the Hillcrest nightspots was that so many people have become incredibly rude in recent years. Iβll be honest, I wasnβt too keen on arguing with 21-year-old college women about a $10 cover charge anymore.
And this past Sunday, the Turn festival ended with a day party at The Merrow in Hillcrest, and the mood was more βchill,β so I was able to spend less time working, and more time hanging out and enjoying the music and atmosphere. I made so many new friends, people I might not have even considered friendships with before, and I am so grateful I gave this experience a chance. These guys (and some women who attend) are full of love, and just want to let loose and live life to the fullest. It helped me remember the importance of these spaces β especially for gay men — to come together and be free.
Speaking of spaces for gay men, I want to apologize to local promoter Paul Gunn, known for events like TRICK and HANMANDLE. Paul is bringing back his TRICK event tonight (Friday, Dec. 1) at The Rail, and itβs looking to be a great time in a space specifically designed for men of all types. In his marketing materials, Paul wrote something that struck me as off and in my anger about it, I called him a misogynist and threatened to use this column to call him out on it.
The line that struck me was: βWe strive to keep this event a male only space for you to feel comfortable in so you neednβt bring your girlfriends. Fag hags are so 90βs.β
Iβve thought long and hard about it and realized there is value in a space for men and men only. In fact, someone explained it over this past weekend while I was working at the Turn Festival.
The main security guard at the event was female. She was lovely, gay-friendly, and totally open to the community. At one point, she wanted to peek her head into the main room where the dance floor was and she said there were noticeable gasps from the guys when she walked in. The room was full of men in jockstraps, many feeling the sexy, energetic vibe of the room, and enjoying each otherβs bodies. When a woman is brought into the equation, it can change the vibe.
This person explained further that gay men have also felt like βprotectorsβ of our female friends. For years, non-LGBTQ women have come to gay bars to feel safe from the male gaze they get in traditional bars, and when the men are in a hyper-sexual environment with each other, they canβt take on that same protector role. Just as many women create spaces exclusively for women, sometimes gay men need their own spaces, too (and of course, inclusive of trans men).
I get it and understand why Paul wants to create a male-positive space, especially since so many of our bars have been overrun by non-LGBTQ people in recent years. Itβs made things uncomfortable.
I will hold to my feeling that Paulβs statement βFag hags are so β90sβ is a bit off-color, as I feel he could have made the point that this is an intentional menβs space without denegrating βfag hags.β
I have no problem with the word βfagβ — I use it lovingly all the time with my other gay friends (and some idiot once anonymously tried to get me in trouble with my employer when I lovingly referred to my friends in a photo as βmy fags.β). But βfag hags,β in my opinion, are those women who us gay men βdragged aroundβ to everywhere we went so we wouldnβt have to go out alone, these were the women who loved us unconditionally no matter how awful we were to them sometimes. These are the women who are a part of our community because they βget itβ and will always have our back. I regard them differently than the new crowd of folks who come to our bars because βitβs coolβ and donβt adhere to our community norms.
With that said, I donβt believe Paul is a misogynist and I apologize for my very public post calling him that. We may disagree on some terminology but thatβs ok β no one agrees on everything. Iβm excited for his event and look forward to this space to celebrate male sexuality and have a good time.
Happy holidays!
βBenny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.
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