By Nicole Murray Ramirez
Recently, I received a call that a friend of mine was in the hospital with a broken leg, broken arm, and a very badly beaten face. I was told that he been drunk one night and fell down a flight of stairs and asked if I would go visit him in the hospital because he was very depressed. Anytime that friends stopped by it would cheer him up, so of course I said yes, and went to see him one afternoon. I got this call from my friend’s boyfriend of about a year who had recently moved in with him and who I didn’t know that well. But he seemed like a nice guy, but I thought he was a bit controlling at times. Both of them were in their early 30’s and had good jobs.
When I stopped by the hospital my friend looked really bad and I told him that he looked like he fell off a roof of a building rather than a flight of stairs and he should try and not drink so much. Well out of nowhere in our conversation he started to cry and told me what really happened. He begged me not to tell anyone and then began to tell me this horrible story of how he was in a violent relationship and that his boyfriend was always beating him up. But this time it had gone too far but he still really loved this guy. Though the doctors had asked him if he had really gotten beaten up but he stuck to his story. He then told me he felt this time his boyfriend would really stop beating him up and had promised him he would and was visiting him every day.
I couldn’t believe my ears and asked him how long had his boyfriend been abusing him and he said for the last four months! He told me that he had told no one and only told me because when he got out of the hospital he wanted them to go to a relationship counselor and if I knew any that were good. Well I then gave him what I call a “coming to Jesus talk” and told him he had to break up with his boyfriend or the next time he could end up in the morgue. He started to cry again and said I just didn’t understand that they truly loved each other and that his boyfriend just had a bad temper. He thought a good counselor could help him and he did promise that he would stop beating him up. Well needless to say I got very upset hearing all of this and told him he had to break this relationship off period. To make a long story short, my friend got out of the hospital and still with his boyfriend. They haven’t gone to a counselor and I worry about him all the time. But now he refuses to talk about his relationship and says everything is “fine.”
LGBT domestic violence is a real issue in our community just as it is in the heterosexual community and there is help out there and counseling. Abusers do not change and once they beat you up they will continue to do so. It never ends well. And sometimes you end up in the hospital or in the morgue. Trust me I know all about abusive relationships. I had one when I was younger and living in Hollywood.
If you’re in one seek help and don’t be afraid to call the police if you need help as they are now trained about LGBT domestic violence when they get such a call.
I remain very concerned and afraid for my friend and will continue to try and help him to see the light. But I fear there nothing I can do
… just be here for him if he ever needs me.
If you are in a violent relationship, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-SAFE. It has resources locally in San Diego that also protect those who suffer from LGBT domestic violence.
— Nicole Murray Ramirez has been writing a column since 1973. He has been a Latino/gay activist for almost half a century and has advised and served the last seven mayors of San Diego. Named the “Honorary Mayor of Hillcrest” by a city proclamation, he has received many media awards including from the prestigious San Diego Press Club. Reach Nicole at [email protected] and follow him on Twitter @Nmrsd2.
Editor’s Note: The opinions written in this column are the author’s own and does not necessarily represent the opinions of the staff and/or publisher of Gay San Diego and/or its parent company, San Diego Community News Network (SDCNN). The newspaper and its staff should be held harmless of liability or damages.
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