Let’s Talk About Porn

I had a client who was a porn producer. He didn’t particularly enjoy it (“You can’t believe how boring it is to make porn”) but he was really into the profitability. He came to me because he wondered why his romantic relationships with young porn stars didn’t work out (but that’s another story).

I’ve also had clients who acted in porn. To my knowledge, they’ve all moved to other careers. One of them told me “Being in porn messed up my sex life…it took the fun out of sex; it was my job. That made it really hard to go home and have sex with my boyfriend and enjoy it.”

Recently, at a conference for psychotherapists, I heard other therapists worry that:

1. Some people think porn is an accurate representation of how real-life sex should be.
2. Porn makes everyone feel bad about themselves because it creates completely unrealistic expectations.
3. People just aren’t talking about porn. It’s a taboo subject.

Well, readers, not with me. 

For example, did you know that the popular site Pornhub publishes a yearly summary of their site:

Pornhub’s average visitor age remained 37 for 2022, with the 18 to 24 group growing by +2 percentage points, and the 35 to 44 age group dropping by –2% percentage points.

On PornhubGay pages, 2022 saw substantial changes in the most searched terms, as “hentai” overtook both “twink” and “straight”. “Threesome” increased +5 in rank, and “gangbang” searches increased by +67%. Trans searches for “FTM” grew by +202%. Searches for “homemade” porn grew by +33% and “cruising” by +127%. 

The two most viewed categories of gay porn continued to be Straight Guys and Black, but Group videos gained +3 to become the 3rd most popular category, ahead of Twink and Daddy. Solo Male videos shot up +12, while Bareback was down by –9 in popularity. Views of Reality videos increased +8 positions. 

For more info, go to: https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2022-year-in-review

As a psychotherapist, when things are secretive and shameful, they mess with our mental health. That’s why I encourage my clients to talk about sex…and porn is one aspect of sex that many people feel ashamed or embarrassed about. Let’s address that stigma, because whether you like it or not, porn is a powerful force in how we all think and feel about sex.

Let’s start by looking at how porn may be helpful/useful to us:

• It can create sex positivity
• It can normalize a healthy sex life.
• It can expose us to new and different ways to express our sexuality.
• Porn is a fantasy and – seen as such – can be both amusing and inspiring.
• Talking about porn can lead to healthy, open discussions about sex and clarify what we’d like to experience with our partners.

What are some possible downsides to porn?

• Watching it, it’s easy to feel inadequate: “This is how my sex life should be: what’s wrong with me?”
• We usually see porn before we have sex, so it’s easy to forget what it is that you want and decide that what you see in porn is what you should want.
• Porn is not sex education, but since sex education in this country is so primitive, porn often ends up, by default, fulfilling that role.
• Since it’s rarely talked about, porn can be a shameful secret
• As access to porn gets easier and easier, it’s only going to get bigger and more ubiquitous.

How is your “porn literacy”? Do you understand how porn is made, where it comes from and how it shapes our experiences of sex and sexuality? If not, what are you waiting for? Porn is all around us, “leaking” into our private desires. Last week, a handsome young client told me “I’m not skinny enough to be a good bottom”. When I asked him where he got that idea, he said, “I learned that from porn.”

See what I mean?

An open dialogue about porn won’t kill the fantasy. Instead, it gives us context. One porn actor told NPR: “What you don’t see is that we laid out all the positions, and anytime something didn’t look natural, we’d cut it out. So, it really is like a perfectly choreographed dance.”

Dear Readers, let’s talk openly and intelligently about porn, and, if you have kids, don’t wait until they’re eighteen before beginning the conversation.  Replace your shame and embarrassment with understanding and insight. As one porn actor said: “Porn is not a reflection of what you should be doing in your bedroom — it’s supposed to be entertainment.”

Exactly.

—Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBTQ clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.