Column: Benny’s Back
By: Benny Cartwright
A couple days ago, I was walking through Hillcrest, minding my own business, when someone I have known for many years approached me. He told me that he needed to get me a new shirt, and “one that is not size medium.” He then grabbed the back of my collar to check the size label and said “Oh … it’s already bigger than a medium. Yikes!”
His point in all of this, of course, was to mock my weight. I’ve known this person for over 20 years, so he knew me when most would have considered me a “twink.” I was 50 pounds lighter than I am today and the fact that now, in my 40s, I carry around some extra weight, particularly in my belly area, is not lost on me.
And really, it’s no one’s business but my own. But I am going to open it up and share with you all today for the purpose of this column.
Weight and body image issues have always been a difficult issue in our society and particularly among gay men and I have written on this topic several times before. But one thing I have not really opened up about is my own body and how it has changed over the years and my own thoughts on my own personal weight loss and fitness journeys.
I grew up in this community. I was born and raised in San Diego and have been hanging out and active in the Hillcrest and LGBTQ communities since I was 17 years old – over 25 years now! Many people who have been around that long have seen me grow up and some just can’t comprehend that I am no longer a “twink.” I have heard some friends make cracks like “Where you’re clearly not a twink anymore” (pointing to my belly) or worse, people approaching me and saying things like, “Looks like you’ve been well fed!”
I am very aware of the things I need to do to maintain or get back to a healthier weight. I have had multiple personal trainers over the years and have learned a lot from them and consult regularly with my doctor. I walk a lot and workout when I get the motivation. And while I am generally very healthy, I have seen that when I have a little more belly fat, my blood sugar numbers creep up toward that range that could become diabetes, my joints hurt more often, and I can be out of breath more often when I am active.
I was very thin my entire life until I hit about 37 years old. I used to be able to eat what I wanted, when I wanted and my weight never crept past 180 pounds, which is considered a healthy range for a 5’11” man.
Around the time I was 37, however, some traumatic things happened in my life (things I’m not prepared to get into today) and these traumatic things led to a domino effect of other traumatic things for a couple more years. I smiled through all of these rough times, continued my involvement in the community, and only my closest loved ones knew what was really going on with me.
And these traumatic events led to bouts of depression — something I never acknowledged to myself until recently. For years, I have seen therapists and psychiatrists to make sure my mental health was in shape and to get treatment for what I thought was an anxiety problem. Whenever they asked questions related to depression, I knew deep inside me that I was not being honest with them. I didn’t want to admit, even to myself, that I might be feeling down and needed support.
This led to periods of inactivity and drinking more than I would like to on some occasions and weight started to pile up in my belly area. I didn’t think much of it at first, as I would then exercise and eat healthy for a few weeks and shed the pounds, but over time the pounds just started to add up.
I consider myself lucky, actually, because so far I have really only gained some belly fat (that “beer gut”) and no other issues. I haven’t gotten to a point where it’s caused any mobility issues and I can pretty much function like I always have. But even with a little protruding belly, people can be cruel. It makes me wonder how these people treat people with much bigger weight problems.
I recently started a new fitness and healthy eating/weight loss journey and am looking forward to the results. Some people love to post about their fitness journeys on social media as they want to have that community accountability — and that is great. For me, that’s not something I am comfortable with and I have my own supportive network that keeps me on track or reminds me when I get off track. But regardless, whether I’m on a fitness journey or not, it doesn’t matter.
The point of this column is a reminder to everyone; do not make unsolicited comments about anyone’s bodies or size, ever. Even the jokes like, “You look like you’re well fed” or “Are you growing a baby in there?” are not funny, in fact they’re cruel.
I get enough comments from those closest to me (whether I’m skinny or overweight – and they won’t change) so I don’t need it from anyone else. I’m obviously aware of my body’s dimensions at all times – I live in it every day — and I don’t need your input.
I have always been confident in myself and I’ve heard a lot of nasty comments in my time — but for some reason, this interaction a few days ago really got to me. Please don’t be that guy … just let everyone be!
Lots of love as always!
–Benny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.
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With a booty like mine, you know I’ve heard this song before. Thank you for being so honest about it, it’s just life and no one’s business what our body looks like. Do your thing for you. Gay judgement is not my favorite things about our community and we can do better. xoxo
Thanks, Joelle! Love you!
-Benny
Benny, your story hits home for many of us…. At 76, ageism is an added experience you will have.
I am no longer that man with six-pack abs that showed in photos of my youth. I move more slowly with less certainty and my memory is not as sharp or quick as it was in my youth.
Sooner or later, those who are lucky enough to live as long and lead as active of a life as I have, will see their skin begin to sag and shrivel as age spots and wrinkles ravage their complexion and muscles weaken.
While I joke that the six-pack I had has dropped lower and now I carry a pony keg, I have become accepting of myself and am a better person for enduring and accepting the evolution age brings with as much grace as possible.
My message to people of all body types, shapes and ages is that the journey of life ends too soon for too many… embrace and accept your journey, reflect and be thankful for your life. Don’t judge or be judged on changing appearances but on what you and others contribute to the world while you are alive.
It’s an unfortunate reality that gay men are the worst offenders of weight cruelty. Like Benny, my nephew, I grew up in San Diego as well but I don’t remember this being an issue in the 1970’s. I guess we were still low in numbers at that time in San Diego and respected one another because of it. We were trying to make our mark like NYC and had no time for turning against one another just because of a weight issue! I finally left San Diego in 1981 and headed to San Francisco to live. I think it was most likely the 80’s where we started to thrive and show our bodies off on the streets of Polk, Castro, and Folsom. This is when things about body image really began to change. I was muscular at the time, thank God! Attitudes changed and it seemed to become what we were more than who we were at the time! People, we are still fighting for our freedom so we need to be united within and stop hating amongst ourselves!! Peace out.
Thanks, Uncle Thom! <3