As a psychotherapist, I see quite a few UCSD, USD and SDSU students. Some are LGBTQ, some are not. Last week it came to my attention that more than a few young men – aged 18-22 – are using Viagra for sex. No, they’re not porn stars. I had a client who was a porn star and he told me “All the performers take Viagra on the set: we have to be ready for anything.”
But why are healthy young men taking Viagra?
Being curious, I began to do some research. Here are some of the comments I got from young men, both queer and hetero:
“I can’t get it up anymore without Viagra.”
“After watching so much porn, real life sex is boring. Viagra helps me keep my erection.”
“I want to have wild, intense sex like they do in porn videos, I need Viagra to do that.”
A friend of mine who lives near SDSU told me that, instead of seeing empty condom boxes thrown out in the trash, he now sees a lot of used Viagra containers instead.
As a psychotherapist who addresses erectile dysfunction and other sex-related issues with my clients, I offer you some ideas to consider:
Desensitization
Real life sex is different from porn. Things go wrong. Your partner isn’t into it (and maybe you aren’t either). I once had a client who produced gay porn. He told me, “All the boring stuff is edited out: all the fumbled penetrations, limp penises and messy anal experiences. We give our viewers an idealized version of what really happens.”
And that’s exactly what porn is: an idealized version of real sex, similar to how Facebook and Instagram are idealized versions of your real social life. No problem, as long as you know that porn isn’t real.
But what if you think your sex life should be like porn? Where do you go then?
Disappointment:
If you expect your sex life to be like porn, you’re probably very depressed. Real life sex partners rarely look like the beautiful men and women of porn. Some college students do look like porn stars. Enjoy it while it lasts! However, if you look like a porn star but have very un-porn star sex, isn’t that disorienting and confusing?
If you spend a lot of time masturbating to porn, most real life people will look quite unattractive by comparison. And your orgasms won’t be like in the videos. In both queer and hetero porn, the men always ejaculate so the viewer can see it – in great detail – often replayed several times, from different camera angles. It’s called “the money shot”, for good reason. In porn, unlike real life, sex is all about a fabulous, dramatic, earth-shaking orgasm. It’s certainly not about getting to know your partner.
Loss of Ability to connect with Real People
For some folks, heavy-duty porn watching replaces interactions with real people. Unlike porn, real people are complex: we have lots of emotions, often all at once, and you have to find us, meet us and get to know us enough to have sex with us. And then, what happens after? With porn, you simply shut down PornHub. With a real person, what do you do when the sex is over? Real people have feelings, and feelings are messy.
I was surprised when one of my student clients told me, “Viagra are just like vitamins . . . you use them for maintenance.” “Really?” I asked him, “You, nineteen-years-old – in great shape and perfect health – need Viagra to have sex?”
If you find yourself increasingly dependent on Viagra and/or porn, what can you do?
- Even with COVID still around, people are going to have sex. Let’s not be naïve. If you’re going to have sex, do what you can to make it as safe and low-risk as possible.
- Increase your interactions with real people and decrease your porn watching. Get used to all the emotions and experiences that come with sex with real people. You might even find that you like real people better!
- Viagra are not vitamins. If you’re having problems keeping an erection, try these suggestions and talk with a physician you trust. There may be a medical reason for your problem. Instead of popping a pill, find out what’s causing your erectile dysfunction so you can – ultimately – break the Viagra habit.
—Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBT clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.
