Twink Death

Getting older (and looking it) is a terrible thing; I call it “Twink Death”. Staying young forever is what we want. Right? When we’re in our early-twenties, we look quite different than we will in our mid-forties. Our older faces can’t retain the same elasticity and youthful charm they had decades ago. While this really isn’t news, who would’ve thought it would be so upsetting?

When you’re young and cute, getting older seems so far away that it’s not worth worrying about. In our late teens and early twenties, most of us focus on having fun, getting laid and which parties/bars/events to go to. We may go to the gym, but it’s mostly to fine-tune our beautiful young bodies. Most of us have smooth, shining skin, lots of thick hair and very few physical problems. On the inside, we may have lots of emotional problems, but on the outside, we look really good!

Most of us – both LGBTQ+ and straight folks alike – avoid “Twink Death” for as long as we can. As a young queer man, I remember making fun of bars that older gay guys went to: my friends and I called them “Wrinkle Rooms”, never realizing that, in a few years, we’d end up there ourselves. For some of us, this loss of youth comes sooner (e.g., receding hair line), for others, who won the gene pool lottery, it can be denied for quite some time. But make no mistake my friends: ”Twink Death” comes for us all. 

Look how celebrities like Madonna and Leonardo di Caprio are aging: we’re all aware of the power and importance that youth possess. If you’re brainwashed to believe it’s one of the most important things in life, and you don’t have it anymore, you can always do like Leo and surround yourself with it, dating women who are 25 years’ younger than you. This isn’t a new thing: men like Harrison Ford and George Clooney have long dated (and married) much younger women. You see the same thing when wealthy, older women (like Cher and Madonna) choose to be with much younger men. 

It’s happening here in San Diego too: older LGBTQ+ folks – especially those with money and social status – tend to choose pretty, much younger Boy/Girl Toys for their pleasure. These relationships rarely last, but in the short run, the Older Person gets to (vicariously) feel young again and the Younger Person gets lots of material possessions, tickets to the Symphony and financial backing for their own business. But is this a good model for a long-term relationship? 

Not usually.

As we get older, “Twink Death” gets closer and closer. For some of us, it’s a gradual process. For others, it’s a helluva shock! One day we look in the mirror and there it is: our stomach sticks out, our eyes have new wrinkles, and our butt doesn’t look so perky anymore. I had a client who regularly went out to clubs with his friends. One fateful night, he noticed that he no longer looked good in tight jeans and t-shirts. He said, “I was cool in the club, but when I got home, I just sobbed. My youth was over.”

Perhaps Madonna had such a moment recently: after an appearance at the Grammys, she faced heavy criticism for appearing to have undergone dramatic cosmetic procedures. The headline in the NY Post was harsh: “‘Unrecognizable’ Madonna proves she is a clueless narcissist.”

Yikes! 

“Twink Death” is all over social media, e.g., TikTok is obsessed with anti-aging: encouraging people in their early twenties (or younger) to buy expensive (and unnecessary) serums, anti-wrinkle devices and cosmetic procedures like Botox. If you’re already full of fear at twenty, you’ll be terrified at forty and truly desperate at sixty. 

Instead of living a future full of fear, I invite you to thank the “twink” in you for all those years of fun and frolic. Let her/him know that it’s now time to move on to something even better. At some point in our lives, the “twink” in us has to die. It’s okay, because they’ll be replaced by someone older, wiser and more self-confident. 

Instead of fighting all the physical and emotional changes in your life, what if you made peace with them, or even welcomed them? 

What a concept: looking forward to growing older. 

—Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBTQ clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.