By Michael Kimmel
There is a myth that the older we are, the worse our sex life will be. Fortunately, this is bullshit.
I have seen many clients whose sex lives improved as they moved into their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond. I know that this isn’t (yet) the norm, but I invite you to open yourself to a different future, one where your sex life just gets better and better, the older you get.
“How is this possible?” you may be asking. “If this were true, why are Viagra and Cialis selling like hotcakes?” They’re selling to people who expect their sex lives to worsen, their libido to take a dive and their erections to dwindle. Our minds are very powerful: we get what we expect. Here are three steps to a great sex life, one that actually improves as you age:
One: Drop your old inhibitions and expectations.
Society tells us that aging sucks. It does this to sell us products to “fight” it. As if that ever works. Buying stuff not to age is futile. Why do we fight it so hard? Because we are brainwashed to do so. The underpinnings of consumer culture depend on people continually buying new things. Why do we keep buying all that stuff? Because we are taught to believe that, as we are, we aren’t good enough.
This applies to sex, too. If we believe we aren’t good enough sexually, we will spend lots of money, time and energy on trying to look and act “hot” and “sexy.” And, in the process, we abandon who we really are.
And guys wonder why they have erectile dysfunction! When you’re striving to be someone you’re not, your penis isn’t going to be happy about it. And all that pressure to be different creates a lot of pressure to “perform” perfectly. And penises don’t like that. So they rebel against all those “shoulds” and don’t do what you want them to.
Remember: most sexual dysfunction begins in the mind, not the body.
Two: Take good care of your mind and body.
Have you ever noticed how bad sex is when you don’t feel good about yourself? When our minds aren’t happy, neither are our bodies. Taking good care of both is key to a good sex life.
Begin to pay attention to what you’re thinking. If it’s negative, start to shift that. There are a million ways to do it. Find something that works for you. Begin to talk to yourself differently.
Forgive yourself for not being “perfect” according to the unrealistic standards of porn and social media. If you don’t look like a porn star, you’re normal. If your body isn’t the hottest one at the gym, forgive yourself and focus on making your body happy.
Keep your body healthy. Pay more attention to the inside than the outside and you’ll be surprised how the outside improves, often without any effort.
People who like themselves as they are rarely have problems keeping it up. And, if it happens, they can laugh about it rather than shrink away in shame and embarrassment.
Three: Expect your sex life to become more satisfying the older you get.
We get what we expect, so expect your sex life to improve as you age…and it will. Wisdom plays a key role here: The wiser you are, the more you see how the world works — you become less a victim of who other people tell you to be and more true to the uniqueness of who you really are.
“Power, Love & Presence: The Joys of Getting Older”
March 21st, Saturday, from 1:30 – 3:30PM
LGBTQ San Diego County columnist (“Life Beyond Therapy”), workshop facilitator and psychotherapist Michael Kimmel will present a workshop based on his upcoming book: “The Gay Man’s Guide to Aging Well”. If you enjoyed his September 2019 workshop (“The ART of Aging Well”), this workshop has all-new content.
This will be an interactive experience: participants will be actively participating and talking with different men throughout. The workshop is limited to a maximum of 20 men and will address questions such as:
- What do you like best about becoming a queer elder?
- Where is the power in aging?
- What from your past is still haunting you?
- Are you experiencing more love as you get older (or less)?
- What brings you peace?
- Who have you found it hard to forgive?
- What have you longed to try but haven’t (yet)?
Come join us as we explore these questions with a safe, supportive group of men facilitated by Kensington psychotherapist Michael Kimmel. The workshop is hosted by Patric Stillman and The Studio Door, located at 3867 Fourth Avenue (in Hillcrest). The fee for the workshop is $35.
For more information, contact: Michael at 619-955-3311 ([email protected]) or Patric at 619-994-2263 ([email protected])
