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Should I have Sex with My Friends? (Part One of Two)

By Michael Kimmel

06/02/2022
in Columns, Community, Community Voices, Feature, Featured, Features, Life Beyond Therapy
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Should I have Sex with My Friends? (Part One of Two)
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As a psychotherapist, I get a lot of questions about this topic from my clients, a few of whom have asked me to write a column about it. It’s a tricky subject, but I’m up for the challenge. There is so much to say about it that I’ve made it a two-part column.

Bring up this topic at a party, and you’ll probably find that people have strong opinions about it. I’ve discovered that it’s a very polarizing subject: for some people, having sex with their friends is no big deal, something that’s normal in their social circle. For other folks, it’s hard to imagine such a thing: friends are friends, not people to have sex with. And some people would like to have sex with their friends, but are afraid that it’s a death wish for any platonic relationship.

In this two-part column, I’ll try and be objective, looking at the pros and cons of having sex with your friends. So, whatever your point-of-view, I invite you to keep an open mind…and read on.

To start, here are some questions you might consider: 

  • What do you want from sex?
  • What if you and a friend have sex, you want to do it again, but they don’t? How will you handle that rejection?
  • What if you have a great friendship but the sex is mediocre? Will that have a negative effect on your friendship?
  • What if – after having sex – you start to fall in love with your friend?
  • How solid is your friendship? Is it strong enough to withstand the waves of emotion that a sexual encounter may bring?

From talking with people who have sex with their friends, two factors became clear to me: (1) your intentions – and those of your friend – need to be clear and (2) kindness and honesty are crucial at every step of the way. Otherwise, you may end up in a situation where sex ends your friendship:

“I thought we had something good going on between us but, after we had sex, he ghosted me the next morning. We never talked after that. He wouldn’t answer my texts.  Whenever we saw each other, it was really awkward. The friendship was over.”

Sometimes, two friends have a lot of love and affection for each other, and it seems like there could be more. But ultimately, the sexual chemistry doesn’t click. Then what? Can the friendship overcome that kind of (temporary) discomfort?

“It was uncomfortable after we hooked up, but soon our friendship was back to normal. The sexual attraction faded with no hurt feelings. We’re both okay with it now and can even laugh about it.”

It’s hard to predict if your friendship will survive a negative sexual encounter, but you can minimize the drama by making sure that you and your friend talk about it ahead of time. You may not feel like talking about it before anything happens, but, in my experience, it usually works out a whole lot better than two friends who, one night, get super drunk and then fall into bed together. On the other hand:

“My friend and I went out drinking and hit the bars hard. In the Uber home, we started making out. It felt weird at first but, once we realized that we were both on the same page, we just went with it. Back at my house, being naked together for the first time was cool because we know each other so well. We’ve talked so much about sex with other people that we even know what each other likes! Once it was over, we fell asleep in each other’s arms. Yeah, the next morning was a little weird, but our friendship kicked back in and we went to brunch and had a good laugh about it. Sometimes, we still hook up, but it’s no big deal: our friendship is solid and that’s what really counts.”

If a friendship really matters to you, don’t let sex mess it up. A lot of the problems that come from hooking up with a friend result from a lack of communication. Ideally, this is something you two can talk about beforehand, but a lot of times it doesn’t work out that way.

Want to know more about “Should I Have Sex with my Friends?” Check out Part Two of this column, available in the next issue of LGBTQ San Diego.

—Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBTQ clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.

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Volume 4, Issue 9, February 2023

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What started as a personal social media project vi What started as a personal social media project via Instagram during the pandemic, Hillcrest San Diego has become a 10K subscriber resource for news, history, memes, and all things Hillcrest. We caught up with Rick Cervantes the force behind the account to get to know more about the motivation behind it, the plans for the Instagram account and the upcoming inaugural #hillcrestsandiego Honors with its reception schedule for Monday February 6 at Uptown tavern to honor local community members and organizations.
Read the full Interview on the link below
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Our community has been built on the need for resou Our community has been built on the need for resources and support, and sectors in our community have also been called to create organizations that enrich and serve their own specific needs. One such organization is the San Diego LGBTQ Coalition.  Read full article on the link below
https://lgbtqsd.news/san-diego-black-lgbtq-coalition-a-stronger-front-for-the-betterment-of-the-community/
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Are you thinking about having work done on your ho Are you thinking about having work done on your home that will cost more than $500 in labor and materials? If so, you should take precautions before hiring a contractor. Any person providing home improvements or repairs above the $500 handyman exception is required to have a state issued license from the Contractors State License Board (CSLB). Read more on the link below 

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San Diego Foundation has opened its Common Scholar San Diego Foundation has opened its Common Scholarship Application with $3.5 million in scholarships available for local college students. Students can apply at SDFoundation through March 8, 2023. Get all the details on the link below.

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