• Home
  • Support Us
  • About us
    • Pick Us Up!
  • Advertising
  • Digital Archive
  • Contact
    • Letter to the Editor
Friday, September 29, 2023
  • Login
No Result
View All Result
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news-logo-475x166
DONATE
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Film
    • Music
    • Books
    • Theater
  • News & Features
    • News
      • Court News
      • News Briefs
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
        • Chris Ward
        • Mara W. Elliot
        • Summer Stephan
        • Susan Davis
        • Toni G. Atkins
    • Features
  • Food & Drink
    • Foodie Flashes
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • Travel
    • The Frivolist
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • Trans Talk with Connor
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Benny’s Thoughts
  • Business
    • Best of Gay San Diego
    • Business Profile
    • Wedding Directory
    • Expert Advice
    • Sponsored Links
  • Out & About
  • Calendar
Subscribe
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news-logo
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Film
    • Music
    • Books
    • Theater
  • News & Features
    • News
      • Court News
      • News Briefs
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
        • Chris Ward
        • Mara W. Elliot
        • Summer Stephan
        • Susan Davis
        • Toni G. Atkins
    • Features
  • Food & Drink
    • Foodie Flashes
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • Travel
    • The Frivolist
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • Trans Talk with Connor
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Benny’s Thoughts
  • Business
    • Best of Gay San Diego
    • Business Profile
    • Wedding Directory
    • Expert Advice
    • Sponsored Links
  • Out & About
  • Calendar
DONATE
No Result
View All Result
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news
DONATE
No Result
View All Result

Romance. Sex. Intimacy. Hooking up. Hanging out.

Balancing your heart, mind and genitals

11/22/2019
in Columns, Featured, Life Beyond Therapy
0
Romance. Sex. Intimacy. Hooking up. Hanging out.
3.7k
SHARES
289
VIEWS

Life Beyond Therapy

Michael Kimmel

Do I have your attention?

As men who love men, we want all things from all men. We want hot sex; emotional intimacy; a great, loyal friend; and a handyman who can help us fix our car/house/life. In short, we want to feel loved (heart), respected for our intelligence (mind) and physically desired (genitals).

Most men I know — myself included — find this balance pretty challenging. Not only is it difficult to find a man like that, it’s even harder to be a man like that. So, what are our alternatives? Can we have it all? Or, better question — how can we have it all?

In any meaningful man-to-man relationship, it’s wise to balance the desires and demands of our heart, mind and genitals. For example, when you meet a guy and feel an attraction, how and when do you decide to have sex with him? Is it right away, when your heart and mind barely know the guy? Or is it later on, after your libido has a healthy conversation with the wisdom of your mind and the feelings in your heart?

I’m not here to tell you that there’s one right way to do it. I had a client who met a guy at our local bathhouse, had great sex with him and they exchanged numbers. The next day, he wondered if there might be more possible with this guy than merely (?) great sex. Initially, my client’s genitals had called the shots, but now his mind (thoughts) and heart (feelings) wanted to get in the game too. He came to me asking, “How can I have a relationship where my mind, heart and dick all work together?”

Good question. Let’s look at the heart first.

Your heart is all about emotions and feelings. When you’re getting to know a guy, take some time and check in with yourself. What are you feeling? What emotions are you aware of? Does thinking of him make you smile? This is your heart talking.

Now, check in with your head. Your thoughts, the rational, logical part of your brain. This is where we live most of the time: thinking, judging and analyzing. Sometimes we have lots of “voices” in our head, and they don’t always agree. One voice says, “Could this guy be husband material?” or you may hear another voice, that says, “Don’t be an idiot, it was fun: move on!”

All the voices in our head are like a committee. Each committee member has a unique point-of-view and wants to be heard. Every high-functioning committee allows each member to speak their truth, and then a consensus is reached. You can do the same with the voices in your head.

Once you listen to your heart and mind, it’s time to pay attention to your testosterone-driven friend, your dick. Watching man-on-man porn, you’d think that hard dicks and great orgasms are all that count. Where’s the intelligence, the emotion? The mind and heart are almost seen as “girly” parts of man-to-man relationships. And yet, without the mind and heart’s involvement, our relationships — from hook-ups to marriage — will suck pretty bad (pun intended).

In the best sex, your thoughts, emotions and libido all work together. Ever noticed how a good sexual relationship is mostly mental? The next time you’re making love with someone you really like, notice what makes you excited. When you masturbate, what fantasies do you have? This is all in your head: your thoughts create feelings and the feelings work in harmony with physical sensations to create great sex.

I am often asked by clients, “How do I know if I have a sex addiction?” People who have addictive sexual behavior are rarely in touch with their emotions: their dicks are running the show. Their emotional hunger never gets satisfied, so they keep looking for the next man, and one after that.

Many of us gay/bi/trans guys have lots of sex, but does it bring us real satisfaction? Relationships totally focused on sex can be fun, but — in my experience — the best relationships (monogamous or not) are those where your mind is attracted to someone, your heart feels affection and connection, and your dick gets just the right amount of attention too.

Tags: LGBTQ San Diego County NewsLife Beyond TherapyMichael Kimmeltherapy
Next Post
Straight people in the gayborhood

Straight people in the gayborhood

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Pick Up Our Print Edition Near You!

Or Read Our Digital Version Below!

 

September 2023, Volume 4, Issue 23

Click or Tap Here To Read Our Past Issues!

Vol.4, Issue 21, August Monthly

Vol.4, Issue 19, July 2023 Monthly

SIGN UP FOR OUR NEWSLETTER

Follow Us On Instagram!

It's the right time to get involved! Whether you w It's the right time to get involved! Whether you want to volunteer - or run for office - YOU can do it! @BennyC80 shares encouragement for anyone who wants to make a difference.

READ THE FULL STORY VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: lgbtqsd.news/its-the-right-time-to-get-involved/
It's the right time to get involved! Whether you w It's the right time to get involved! Whether you want to volunteer - or run for office - YOU can do it! @BennyC80 shares encouragement for anyone who wants to make a difference.

READ THE FULL STORY VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: lgbtqsd.news/its-the-right-time-to-get-involved/
@thestudiodoor is launching a new annual exhibitio @thestudiodoor is launching a new annual exhibition called ART+ LGBT History Month, in conjunction with October’s LGBT History Month.

Held Oct. 5-28, the month-long exhibit will feature the work of local artists, including Jackie Han, Carole Kuck, RD Riccoboni, Joe Phillips, and a number of works curated from Lambda Archives’ extensive collection.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: https://lgbtqsd.news/get-your-art-on-for-lgbt-history-month/
BREAKING NEWS: Southern California Shop Owner Murd BREAKING NEWS: Southern California Shop Owner Murdered Over Rainbow Flag Dispute.

Lauri Rosenthal Carleton, owner of fashion boutique Mag.Pi (@magpi_shop) in Cedar Glen, Calif., was murdered Friday night, according to the San Bernardino Sheriff’s Department. Those close to Carleton say the gunman shot her over a dispute about an LGBTQ pride flag hung outside her shop.

According to an initial report by the San Diego Bernardino Sheriff’s Department, Carleton was shot by the male suspect who arrived at her store and erratically removed the pride flag she had hung outside of her shop to express her support for the LGBTQ community. 

Carleton was said to have confronted the male after he removed the flag, who then shot her multiple times before fleeing. Carleton was pronounced dead from the gunshot injuries on the scene by emergency medical personnel.

READ THE FULL STORY VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: https://lgbtqsd.news/southern-california-shop-owner-murdered-over-rainbow-flag-dispute/
Due to police activity that began just after 7:15p Due to police activity that began just after 7:15pm Thurs, today’s print issue of LGBTQ San Diego County News will be delayed.  Several streets near our printer’s office remained closed as of 11:30am this morning. 

We will update you as we learn more. 

In the meantime visit lgbtqsd.news to read our digital @Issuu. We are working to get all stories posted online by day’s end. 

Our friends at @abc10news have the full story on the Carlsbad standoff at bit.ly/3YqkhBB or via the link in our bio. 

Photo by Maria Coronel- 10 News
🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Happy Pride, San Di 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Happy Pride, San Diego! We hope you’re having a wonderful, safe, joyful celebration this weekend! 

#Pride2023 #HillcrestSanDiego #SDPride #LGBTQ @hillcrestsandiego @SanDiegoPride
🏳️‍🌈 #SDPride weekend is now here! Benny 🏳️‍🌈 #SDPride weekend is now here! Benny Cartwright (@BennyC80) shares his thoughts on poor behavior by some non-LGBTQ guests in our local bars and venues.

Read the full column at the link in our bio.

@HillcrestSanDiego #SDPride2023 #Pride2023 #HillcrestSanDiego #safety #allies #LGBTQ #LGBTQPride
🏳️‍🌈🎨 The PROUD+ exhibition, produced 🏳️‍🌈🎨 The PROUD+ exhibition, produced by @TheStudioDoor, will feature the artwork of 50 contemporary artists from across the nation who identify as LGBTQIA+. 

Read all about it at the link in our bio.

#SDPride #Pride2023 #HillcrestSanDiego #art #LGBTQart
🏳️‍🌈 Looking for something to do the Mon 🏳️‍🌈 Looking for something to do the Monday after Pride? We've got a couple options listed in our 2023 #SDPride Guide!

On Monday, July 17, if you're feeling like giving back, you can join the Bankers Hill or Hillcrest Post-Pride Community Cleanups! If you're feeling more like letting loose (or after the cleanup), head to @gossipgrill_ for F*#k Pride Monday!

Get the details at the link in our bio.

#Pride2023 #LGBTQPride #SanDiego #BankersHill #HillcrestSanDiego #PrideMonday #RecoveryDay
Load More... Follow on Instagram

CalTrans Contracting Opportunities!

Promises2Kids Mentors Wanted

GLBTQ Voter Endorsements (paid ad)

lgbtq_san_diego_county_news

© 2019 LGBTQ San Diego County News. All rights reserved.

Navigate our site

  • About
  • Support Our Newspaper
  • Advertise
  • Contact

Follow Us

No Result
View All Result
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Books
    • Film
    • Music
    • Q Syndicate
  • News & Features
    • News
    • Features
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
      • Susan Davis
  • Food & Drink
    • Hot Dish
    • Restaurant Reviews
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • The Frivolist
  • Business
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Black Lives
    • C…Community
    • Frankly Speaking
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • My Good Tootie
  • Out & About
  • Contact
  • Archive
  • About
  • Support Our Newspaper
  • Advertising
  • Calendar

© 2019 LGBTQ San Diego County News. All rights reserved.

Welcome Back!

Login to your account below

Forgotten Password?

Retrieve your password

Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

Log In