Loving him was Red

I’m clearly not a stranger to matters of the heart. My last couple of articles have touched upon grief, new beginnings, and sex. What do all of those have in common? For some it’s a breaking point and for others it’s just a typical Tuesday. For me it’s a process I’m just not ready for and I continue to have days where the highs feel euphoric, and the lows feel catastrophic. Houston, we have a problem. How do we move on from monumental moments such as loss and heartbreak? 

I recently found out that the person I once loved more than anything is currently in a new relationship. For him it’s been just a few months since we ended our time together. For me it has felt like several lifetimes. I’m a sucker for dramatics and hyperbole but this feels different as I write these words. Some people say when it rains it pours but maybe it’s time, I open up the floodgates. From here on out we’ll call my ex-partner Red. While we were together, I lived in a rose-tinted state where I truly believed that our imperfections were clear, and we were happy. In his mind I cared more about my image than the relationship. Although it’s an oversimplification of many things, maybe it was true. In my mind I believed that he was just pulling away because I wasn’t good enough. Maybe that was also true. My head nor my heart were ready for what was to come. At the end of it all I was left with more questions than answers. Fast forward into a high-speed car crash of a breakup, complete with moments that could rival your favorite telenovela and the rose tint was no longer covering my eyes. But, as we sped into the next chapter of our lives, I was reminded that at no point could I ever make a left turn on Red. Out of the flames of the wreckage, I wanted to understand how do you salvage something so irrevocably damaged. In the end my heart shattered as quickly as the glass of a window. It was over. 

I still believe the best in people, yet I’ve become so jaded and it’s hard to cope. I have the tools to move forward and the large trail of disappointments from my relationship with Red that I thought, I’m constantly given reasons to be swayed away from this pain, yet I keep hoping that maybe it’s not true. The worst parts of who we are deteriorated my belief in a happy ending. What I once thought was the perfect life was far from perfect and my idealistic version of romance wasn’t the truth. 

When you feel hurt do you embrace it or run from it? How far do you need to run until it can’t catch up? I’ve learned from my former relationship that I have a lot of growing to do but am I the only one who must? I’m starting to believe that closure is a fantasy, and that true healing begins with you. When it comes to loss there’s many things left unsaid. When someone passes away the times that you shared together don’t disappear but your ability to travel the road together back down memory lane does. Why does a broken heart feel eerily similar yet different at the same time. The temptation of traversing old paths and patterns feels so intoxicating but is it the right choice? There is no real answer. If you really love someone or something when is the right time to just let, go? I know time is what I need. But with my impatience it’s not what I want. I want too just be okay. Whatever that looks like. Who is this version of me now?

I don’t know how to move on. I feel in ways I created a picturesque world in my head that it has become almost impossible to live within reality at times. It’s easier to cope when I don’t want to stay grounded. Is it wrong to want to not feel? It’s not healthy and it’s difficult to live this way. But when people tend to not understand what it feels like to drown and no longer see the horizon you get hit with wave after wave of responses like “You need to get over it.” “You’re resilient” and “It will get better.” But riddle me this, how will I overcome it? When will I know I’m okay? I loved so fiercely until I reached the sun. But much like the story of Icarus I got burned within this deep shade of Red. Growth for me has been realizing that it’s not the sun’s fault for existing or burning so bright. Nor is it Icarus’ fault for wanting to feel the warmth and bask in the radiance. You can come to your own conclusions, but the reality is lessons are learned in the hardest of ways and for me this is where I hoped I could have burned just as bright as the sun instead of burning out trying to reach something I could never touch. 

I will always believe the best in others even when it doesn’t always feel like the right choice. My promise to those who read this, is that I need to put myself first. Some people say it’s lucky to have loved than to have lost. To that I ask is there power in the loss? Although this won’t be the last time I speak the truth of my heart, it’s time I heal the burns left behind. Red stopped believing in us, and in the end, he didn’t believe in me. 

I know one thing for certain is that sometimes I’m still going to walk through the fire and hold onto the hope that I won’t get burned. You can call it naivety or even bravery, I’ll continue to pick myself up and try it again even if I’m not ready for what comes next.