It’s not my job to make you happy

By Michael Kimmel

Let me begin with a short poem:

“You can call it codependence
Or hyper-responsibility.
Whatever you call it,
it just doesn’t work.”

Lately, in many of the couples I work with, these good, kind and wise people struggle with the same problem: each person thinks it’s their job to make their partner happy.

Of course, this doesn’t work. But, we come by it honestly; most of us are trained to take on this impossible challenge. However, it’s actually a very primitive way of looking at dating/marriage: you make me happy and I’ll do the same for you.

If only that worked…

I’d like to replace this unrealistic relationship model with something that actually works: You take care of yourself, I’ll take care of myself, and then we can love each other as two happy, secure people. Our love will be a choice, not an act of desperation or loneliness. And, if it doesn’t work out (as is sometimes the case), I will be sad but not destroyed, because I have been taking care of myself and I will be OK. And the same will be true for you.

Please don’t interpret this to mean that I’m encouraging you to be a selfish, self-absorbed narcissist. Far from it. Many of us — myself included — were raised by well-intentioned people who told us, “Don’t be selfish. Focus on giving to others, not yourself.”

Sounds good. But, if you don’t focus on yourself first, how much do you have to give to others? What can you offer if you’re not secure and grounded yourself?

This week, I saw three different couples struggling with this issue. Each couple was very different (re: age, ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation), but what they shared was this unhelpful idea: “Why don’t you do more to make me happy?”

This usually shows up in statements like:

“You never do ———-.”

“You always do ———-.”

“I hate it when you ———.”

“Why won’t you do more ———-?”

See where this takes you? Not any place that you want to go.

Frequently, couples tell me, “We have the same arguments all the time.” Well, of course: trying to force/cajole/manipulate/guilt-trip your partner into changing so that you will be happier doesn’t work. And even if you succeed, it’s likely that you won’t stop there — you’ll keep pushing your partner to keep changing in the false hope that once they change everything about them that pisses you off, you’ll be happier.

It doesn’t work like that. When you change, you’ll be happier. And, when you’re happier, you’re less demanding and needy. Ironically, this is usually when your partner decides to change too.

As I say in my book, “The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage,” two strong, independent people in a relationship have much to freely give to each other…and then they can easily help each other to become the people they want to be.

The bottom line? It’s my job to make myself happy and your job to make yourself happy. When we have this as the focus and purpose of our relationship, we will grow and change together.

I’d like to let you know about a workshop I’m offering on Saturday, Sept. 14, from 1:30-3 p.m. at The Studio Door in Hillcrest.

The workshop title is, “The ART of Aging Well: A Workshop for Gay Men”. The workshop is based on my next book: “The Gay Man’s Guide to Aging Well”.

The ART of Aging Well will address questions like:

• As a gay man, do you find aging (particularly in San Diego’s LGBT community) to be a challenge?
• Do you find it hard to make peace with the physical changes that come with aging?
• Do you feel less attractive and/or more “invisible” the older you get?

The workshop is sponsored by Patric Stillman/The Studio Door (located at 3867 Fourth Ave. in Hillcrest). Come join us as we explore these questions with a safe, supportive group of men, facilitated by yours truly. The workshop is limited to 25 men and the admission fee is $25. To register, please go to: bit.ly/2KvDCwM.

For more information, contact Michael at 619-955-3311 or beyondtherapy@cox.net or Patric at 619-994-2263 or patric@thestudiodoor.com.

— Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBT clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.

Graphic by www.CanStockPhoto.com.