Benny’s Beat
By Benny Cartwright
Pride Month is always an interesting time for me. Seeing the proliferation of rainbow logos and displays across social media and in public places is certainly a sign of progress.
And even though very visible displays during Pride Month have been a thing for at least the last 5-10 years, I still get a little surprised every time I’m walking through the mall, or any number of other public places and see the signs or Pride flags in the window declaring support for the LGBTQ community. Many retailers have their own Pride merchandise, online streaming services have Pride collections, and even public libraries will put out displays of LGBTQ books and materials.
But I grew up in the community in the mid-1990s and early 2000s, a time when some progress had been made but there was still so much more work to do, and I’ve recently started to reflect on what being a part of the community during that time did to me. It’s likely a form of trauma that I’m sure many older LGBTQ people carry whether they are aware of it or not.
In 1999, I got a job at the brand new Old Navy store that had opened in the Fashion Valley mall that year. At the time, Old Navy was just a five year old brand (it turns 30 this year!) and it was one of the hottest places to shop – remember polar fleece? I thought it was so cool to work there, and thinking back I had a really good time (I’ll have to share stories another time about how all staff would dance a conga line around the store whenever Gloria Estefan’s Conga came on and how we were all supposed to meet at the front of the store and dance The Hustle whenever it came on).
It was all pretty gay, and I had three “really gay” managers. I began to feel pretty comfortable at work and would often come in wearing glitter eyeshadow and platform shoes and I twirled around that store like a princess. Fashion Valley was sort of known as the “gayest place” in San Diego besides Hillcrest, because of the number of young gay men who worked in the various stores, and the many gay men who both patronized and hung out at the mall on a regular basis.
But at that time, something that would have never been seen in any store, except maybe MAC Cosmetics, would be any rainbow flags or open displays celebrating Pride. And one thing I would have never been comfortable doing would be holding my boyfriend’s hand while walking around the mall. In fact, shortly after starting at Old Navy, a fellow twinky co-worker and I gravitated toward each other and had a little 19-year old fling for a few months.
He had just moved to San Diego from New York City, where he grew up, to go to school. Whenever we took our lunch breaks together, he always wanted to hold my hand while we walked to the food court. I would usually let him grab my hand for a few seconds, then I’d pretend I needed to scratch an itch or find something in my bag (cell phones weren’t super common yet and I didn’t get my first one until I was 21, so I didn’t have the excuse that I needed to look at my phone instead of holding his hand). I don’t know if it was the New Yorker in him or what, but he was much bolder than me. I couldn’t do it.
A couple years later, while still working at Old Navy, I saw two young guys walk into the store and while they browsed for quite awhile, they held hands the entire time. My heart started racing. It was something I had never seen before outside of Hillcrest, and I just couldn’t believe it. They were so brave, but I also feared for them. I noticed many customers giving them looks but they didn’t seem to mind, they just went about their business being open and proud. That’s a moment I’ll never forget.
I also remember when going to Hillcrest was considered “edgy” – in general most people who came to the neighborhood not too long ago were either a part of the LGBTQ community or were one of our few allies. I sort of liked the feeling of driving into Hillcrest, knowing that I was breaking San Diego social norms and being “different.” I was going to a place where this group of people who were ostracized from society came together to live, hang out, celebrate their Pride, and fight for their rights.
The Brass Rail (now “The Rail”) was very well known throughout San Diego as “the” gay bar when I was growing up. Even kids in the San Diego suburbs knew about The Brass Rail and it was not uncommon to hear the insult on the playground: “You’re dad is so gay, I saw him going into The Brass Rail!” Or “Eew, I saw your mom in Hillcrest!” (Funny to think today, that a perfect clap back would have been “What were you doing in Hillcrest that you saw my mom or dad there?”)
Growing up hearing those insults, however, really put it into my mind that Hillcrest was a place to stay away from unless you wanted to be made fun of and branded as “gay.” So I felt like I was breaking through all of that when I got up the courage to come to the neighborhood.
And it really was a different period in our community history when being LGBTQ – even in California – meant we were not equal under the law. We couldn’t serve openly in the military. We couldn’t get married. And so many other protections that have been fought for over the last several years. San Diego even had a law against “cross dressing” on the books until 1998, although it was rarely enforced.
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Gallery: Benny celebrating Pride through the years
It was exciting and at the same time really scary to be a part of that activism. Many of my friends, fellow activists and I never believed that we’d see things like marriage equality in our lifetimes. In fact, it’s still strange for me to think that I can actually get married now. I know that dozens of my gay and lesbian friends have been married over the last decade – and I’ve been to many of those wedding ceremonies – but to me, it still feels like something out of reach for me.
So when I see commercials on TV celebrating the LGBTQ community, or rainbow flags in the window of almost every store when I walk the halls of Fashion Valley, or just about every brand changing their logo to rainbow colors during Pride month, I still get a feeling of disbelief. It’s hard to believe we’re in this place where the LGBTQ community is celebrated pretty much everywhere, at least during the month of June, and that places like Hillcrest are “so cool” today that some of our bars have more non-LGBTQ patrons on some nights than not.
I am not naive to the fact that there is still so much work to be done – especially related to standing up for the trans and non-binary communities. Legislators around the country, including in California, continue to propose bills that would strip protections from or hurt members of our community. And we continue to fight.
But we are in a different place than we were 20 years ago, and it continues to feel strange to me. I want to get excited for Pride Month, but in a way, and maybe it’s because of the trauma, I long for that time not so long ago when I could have only wished to see a company I work for acknowledge my existence as a gay person.
Of course, I’m going to celebrate Pride Month all month long (and into July since we’re special in San Diego!), but at the same time, it will always bring up those emotions that take me back to a different time when just seeing a gay couple holding hands at Fashion Valley was monumental.
I hope you celebrate Pride in whatever way feels right for you, and I can’t wait to see you at our own San Diego Pride celebrations next month!
–Benny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.
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