Benny’s Beat

By Benny Cartwright

If you’re reading this on the day this paper hits the streets, Friday, May 3, it is my 44th birthday. Happy birthday to me! I’m entering my mid-40s and I couldn’t be more thrilled about it.

This is in stark contrast to a series of columns I wrote about 15 years ago at San Diego Gay & Lesbian News (SDGLN) as I was approaching 30. In fact, our editor-in-chief here at LGBTQ San Diego County News, Morgan M. Hurley, was my editor at SDGLN and had to pick through months of my columns that counted down to the end of my 20s. Most of those columns reflected a sense of dread about “getting old” and somewhat alluded to the fact that I thought I had everything all figured out at that point in life. I can only chuckle recalling those columns today.

I’d love to link you to those old columns but unfortunately, the SDGLN site had a security breach around 2022 and all of its content was lost, according to its publisher Johnathan Hale. I did search through my Google Docs to see if I had drafts of those old columns, and while I couldn’t find any, it reminded me that I’ve reflected on that series several times over the years, so I extend my apologies to my regular readers who have heard all this before:

2015: “Right around this time 5 years ago, I wrote a series of columns on SDGLN.com sharing my thoughts about turning 30. And how time flies! In just over two weeks, I’ll be turning 35. I’ve been thinking since January about whether or not I wanted to document my ‘journey to 35’ in some sort of blog or column series, but this milestone just doesn’t seem to be as big of a deal for me.”

2016: “In 2010, as I was approaching 30, I wrote a series of columns in my former ‘Life with Benny’ column on San Diego Gay & Lesbian News about my fears of turning 30. For several months leading up to May 3 – the big day that year – I shared about my fears and excitements of ‘growing older.’ Looking back, I chuckle, because I have since certainly learned that my 30s have been absolutely wonderful.”

2020: “In late 2009 and early 2010 as I was approaching 30 years old, I was freaking out! They used to say something like ‘35 was basically dead in gay years’ because of the over-emphasis our gay men’s community can place on youth. I thought 30 was ‘old,’ I thought I should’ve been further along in certain areas of my life, and I just placed way too much emphasis on that number. Of course, now that I’m a decade older, 30 year olds are practically babies!”

I do like marking my birthday and age each year because it gives me the opportunity to reflect on things I’ve learned, things I’ve experienced, and ways I still need to grow.

One of the biggest things I reflect upon every year as I get older is how much I have left to learn, and that I really don’t have much of anything figured out. Like I said earlier in this column, at the end of my 20s, I really thought I knew it all. And sure, by the time I hit 30, I had experienced and done a lot!

I started participating in San Diego’s LGBTQ community around 1997, when I was just 17 years old, and when I turned 18 and started at SDSU, I really jumped head first into community affairs. In fact, when I was 27, after nearly 10 years of activism and work in the community, I was honored with the Lambda Archives “20 Years, 20 Heroes” award, along with 19 other very longtime community leaders.

I had a bit of what they call today “imposter syndrome” when I received that honor, as everyone else on the list of honorees had been doing really big things in the community for decades – greats like Robert Gleason, Carolina Ramos, Alberto Cortes, Chris Shaw, Tracie Jada O’Brien, Carla Coshow, and others. I thought, “How could I be among this group?” and when I privately asked one of the selection committee members that question, he told me that it wasn’t about years, but impact – and that the impact I had made, especially on the youth and SDSU communities – was notable. It felt incredible to hear that.

But even though I had done so much in those earlier years of my adulthood, there was so much more ahead. And I think for most people, when younger, it’s hard to realize how fast time passes as you get older. I can still remember what it felt like being in my 20s – the excitement, the passion, and the curiosity – like it was yesterday. And now, I’ve been out of my 20s for nearly 15 years, but it feels like it all happened in the blink of an eye.

Being in my 40s is a strange time. Younger people in their 20s and early 30s think I’m “old” …  In fact, I remember being an indestructible 23-year-old when a friend asked, “What’s your age range for guys?” I replied, “The low end is 21, and the oldest I’d even consider is 27 – and that’s pushing it!”

And people older than me still say, “You’re so young!”

It’s sort of this middle-age, in-between kind of period, where I’m not young but I’m not old. And I see a lot of opportunity and responsibility in that. It seems to me that we are in a time where now more than ever we need to listen to each other and bridge the intergenerational gaps. Just last month, my column “An ode to boomers” touched on this, but mostly focused on spending time with those older than us and telling them we love them while they’re still with us.

Our LGBTQ community is changing faster than ever, with new terms, concepts, and identities coming into the mainstream all the time. The generations older than me, who fought some of the most difficult battles our community will ever face to achieve rights for LGBTQ people, aren’t often up to speed on terms and concepts that younger people in the community are using or identifying as. And instead of working together to educate each other – on past struggles and history, and current trends and issues – the generations just ignore each other.

People in their 40s are in the position to bridge those gaps. We are still “young” enough to connect with younger people (although I can’t say I’m up on Gen Z lingo, music, or trends, and I still find it jarring that they’re bringing back the fashions of the late ’90s and early 2000s that many of us were glad to put behind us) yet old enough to also have a reverence for the older generations and be understanding of their history – some of it that we lived with them.

While I’m in this phase of my life, I want to do a better job of bringing us together and helping us all understand each other’s different life experiences. And that includes me too – I will be the first to admit that I have my own biases, especially as it comes to those younger than me – and I need to explore those and be more understanding myself.

I’m excited to turn 44 and I look forward to what’s ahead of me. I can only believe and hope that the best is still yet to come, even though I’ve had a pretty good run of life up to this point.

One thing about being older is that many of the fears and concerns that many younger people have – like fitting in or looking a certain way – disappear as you get older, and I give very few “f—s” about what people think about me anymore. Sure, I want to be respected and seen as a valuable member of the community, but I don’t care about the petty issues people may have with me – or the issues I used to perceive/think people had about me. The best is yet to come?

What am I doing for my birthday this year? Not much! I’ll have dinner with family and then I’ve given Rick Cervantes a few ideas of things I want to do over the weekend. But next year, May 3, 2025, keep an eye out because I hope to have some sort of big bash to celebrate my 45th – or maybe I won’t. I’ve also learned to just live life as it comes to me – it leads to less disappointment.

I look forward to seeing many of you around town this month, including at the Harvey Milk Diversity Breakfast on Friday, May 24!

–Benny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at community@lgbtqsd.news. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.

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