Big Mike and Lady J

Wow, what a crazy world we are trapped in right now, with all the hate, discrimination, horrible storms that are destroying entire communities, our divided nation — and to top it off, we lead the world in coronavirus deaths. Personally, I’ve never experienced or dreamed I’d be living in such times like these. The only good thing I have noticed about all of this is there are so many amazing, kind, compassionate individuals who are coming together to show so much love to help their fellow man. It goes back to what my parents taught me as a child — be grateful for what you already have, be more aware of those who need help and reach out and be that help. Living in San Diego the past 30 years, I have witnessed the power of people’s compassion and love by helping those in need. In the process, I have met so many incredible individuals who inspire me and fill my heart with so much appreciation for their involvement. One such person is my wonderful, fun and smart friend Lady J.

Born J’eannette Anthonette in Louisiana, she was uprooted with her family to Oklahoma City when she was only 5 years old to begin her life in the Bible Belt, which would prove to be a test. Growing up in Oklahoma in the ’60s and ’70s during the civil rights movement was no picnic. The early days of discrimination that she and her family endured only made her more determined to be a better person and fight for the underdogs of the world. Not that it was easy as a young Black girl in those days, but Lady J knew she was unique and stood out. Many times, she was just misunderstood at an early age. She loved watching shows like “American Bandstand,” “Soul Train,” variety shows, and whatever other shows that inspired her to dream about life beyond Oklahoma City. They gave her hope. Lady J’s mother — who accepted her uniqueness and probably understood her the best — always encouraged her to find her own path in life.

Growing up on the east side of Oklahoma City in government housing and watching all the shows she grew up on TV resulted in her not only enjoying the entertainment but also led her to study the art and fashion from all the great stars and music throughout the shows. She learned to be brave and stick her neck out and decided to produce a fashion show at her high school, which resulted in her suspension for showing and wearing what was deemed inappropriate by the school. On top of all of that, she studied the sets in films and redesigned her parent’s living room, which they liked. (“Mind you, Big Mike, I lived in the projects.”) Lady J had found her calling: She loved designing clothes and being creative, it opened her mind and heart expressing her talents through her originality. Her clothing was different because she would design and make them her own. As Lady J told me, “I stuck out like a sore thumb; my clothing was somewhat different, and it drew attention to what I had created. That made me happy, knowing they saw what I had done. Even if they liked them or not, they knew I was not afraid to express myself through my art and design.”

As she was growing up and becoming a woman, she found herself trying and enjoying so many different aspects of life. Dancing, in particular, brought her joy. Her love for music and dancing got her so motivated that she created a dance group with the support of a local bar owner who owned a club called Free Spirit (great name for a bar, I thought). He was very accepting even in a time of racism and was very sympathetic to what Lady J was doing by bringing Blacks and whites together to enjoy the art of dance. Lady J and three of her friends became the solid gold dancers of their large community. She went on to compete in the national dance show “Dance Fever,” representing her state of Oklahoma in Los Angeles. After leaving California, she told herself she needed to move back — and she did.

While growing up in Oklahoma City, Lady J was bussed to a high school across town. It was the first time that integration became a part of her life. One thing her mother always told her was to treat people as you would want to be treated. Lady J began a friendship with the misfits (as they were called) of the school — fashionistas, dancers, singers, and the LGBTQ+ community. She learned that she was a powerful person who had a voice. So, she spoke up for equality in her schools even though she got pushed back. Lady J got clever and decided to join clubs in hopes that others would listen and better understand what it’s like to be Black. Trying to build bridges, though it was a hard time, she was still able to gain a few friendships that have lasted to this day.

Lady J truly knows what Black Lives Matter means today. As a strong Black woman born in the South and raised in the Midwest, her trials and tribulations were not easy. Even with the overwhelming injustice she faced, she overcame. Witnessing what her family has gone through before and during the civil rights movement — and still today — has changed her way of thinking and opened her heart.

When Lady J began college in San Diego, she met the love of her life. He courted her by sending roses to her classroom and had them delivered right before she went to her class. It was only after a few weeks that she found out who he was — a caring and loving person who saw her for who she really was. She fell in love with him. He was white, she was Black and she never thought anything of it until they were approached by a white man who asked her, “Hey girl, what are you doing with that white boy?” She, of course, was shocked because she never saw his color, she only saw him and the love they shared together. They were married for 22 years, eventually divorced but are still best friends. During that time, they were looked down on by not only white people but also by Black people, too. Seeing her own race judge her because she chose to be with someone of a different race helped her realize that she did not need approval from anyone to love whoever she wishes to love.

Lady J mentioned to me: “As a strong Black woman, I need to say that I do not understand why, for so many years, the Black community has been silent when it comes to the LGBTQ+ [people] among themselves. Churches want to quote the Bible but still there are so many in the church who are LGBTQ.” Mentoring younger people of all races and all ages has empowered her to become the person that she is today. There is an old saying in the South: We all have skeletons in our closet but some families just put them on the front porch so you can see the them as you drive up. That is love in her family.

I must say that Black Lives Matter, but they do not matter if we all do not care about each other regardless of race, age and sexuality. Lady J told me she has cried the last few months over what has happened to her Black brothers and sisters, who have died due to the color of their skin and injustice. She told me her friends today are few because she lost so many to the AIDS epidemic. All the sadness and oppression she has endured has taught her to become the best person she can be for them.

The reason people call her Lady J is because she carries herself with respect and pride like a queen. A Black queen who has patience, understanding and compassion for our youth and her fellow man. One of her dear friends said she always holds court at parties, but she didn’t understand it until she found herself sitting in a chair like it was her own throne while people were interested to hear what she had to say. She values her voice and talks about what we all need to hear, the fact we are all human beings first and foremost.

I love the strength that Lady J has as a fighter for equality, an educator to help our youth, an artist who creates beautiful objects and clothes — and a compassionate person who fills other human hearts with love and acceptance. My personal hope is that we as a people can come together no matter what race, beliefs, or choices we make, as long as those decisions are inclusive and no one is ever hurt or left behind. Why not at least try? With individuals like Lady J — who continue to care for others and help our youth — just maybe it could happen.  Thank you, Lady J.

If you would like to contact Lady J: [email protected] or Facebook: J’eanette Davis