By Michael Kimmel
This column is the result of a question I’ve been asking myself lately:
What is “beyond” Pride?
Another way to put it is: “What comes after Pride?”
I’ve been to about 50 Pride celebrations since I came out (in a men’s group in downtown Manhattan in 1983). My first Pride celebration reminded me that, no, I wasn’t a second-class citizen. I wasn’t a deviant (as I’d been raised to think in my rural Ohio upbringing). I was just as good, kind and wholesome as any straight person.
As I continue to wonder about what’s beyond Pride, I’m curious about the relationship between “pride” and “power.”
In the past, we needed to have pride in ourselves because the people in power — heterosexuals — kept us in a one-down position for many years. So, we were struggling for equality. We wanted to have just as much power as straight folks.
And, once we get it, then what? I wonder if compassion comes next.
Many people who struggle to be powerful and achieve it find themselves in a very unfamiliar place. What do they do with all that power? Ideally, they will begin to share it with others who are not yet so empowered. However, in the real, greed-filled world driven by consumer culture, that power is often hoarded. “I’ve got mine and — honestly — I don’t give a damn whether you ever get yours.”
A prime example of this is the Trump administration: It uses the power of the presidency to disempower people. The only folks it empowers are rich folks (like the people within it) who already have plenty of power and are afraid they may lose it to the LGBTQers, people of color, women, religious minorities … anyone who isn’t just like them.
That’s clearly an example of what not to do with power. As we become more and more empowered (and we are, we certainly are!), how will we use our power? Can we become:
- More compassionate.
- More humble.
- More empathic.
- Less greedy.
- Less fearful.
- Less judgmental.
This is quite a tall order.
As a white, cis, middle-class gay man, I realize how much power I have been given. How do I use it? Do I have compassion for people who are different from me, or do I judge them? It’s easy to have compassion for people who fit your pictures of “doing it right” (i.e. you should do what I do). But, how compassionate are we for people who aren’t doing things “our” way?
It’s not so easy.
I love to travel to small towns and rural areas. My conversations there are often with people who certainly aren’t doing things “my” way. It is a continual lesson for me not to judge these folks.
And speaking of judgment, have you noticed how many of us at Pride at hyper-judgmental of each other? The beautiful ones judge the less-than-beautiful (“why don’t they go to the gym?”) and the average ones judge the beautiful (“can you believe how superficial they are?”).
Despite all our Pride, I notice that, even within our LGBT community, fear of each other continues to divide us. Since I moved to San Diego 21 years ago, I’ve seen and heard one form of fear — misogyny — repeatedly rear its ugly head. Am I the only one who has been in (mostly gay male) social situations and heard women put down or slammed as “taking over” the institutions in our community?
Can we replace fear, in its many forms (ageism, racism, misogyny), with acceptance and celebration of our differences? Easy to say, hard to do.
I’d like to close with “humility,” one of my favorite virtues. As a young queer guy, I thought there was little place for humility. Humility seemed to be about playing small. The older I get, I see the power of humility: when you really know who you are and feel powerful in your abilities, humility is very attractive.
So, my fellow LGBTers, as we welcome Pride 2019, let’s look further down the road and see what lies ahead. Some pretty wonderful experiences lie waiting for us, out there … beyond Pride.
— Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBT clients achieve their goals and dea l with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.
(Graphic provided by www.CanStockPhoto.com)
Michael, here in Ireland we have two major Gay Pride marches:one in the south of Ireland
-or the Republic( just last week!)-and the other ( August 3rd) where I live in Northern Ireland.
Power and struggle for gay rights, especially in regards to marriage equality( we, here in Northern Ireland are still fighting for the right to get married) is more than just a Pride week event. We in fact are fighting for that right almost on a daily basis.
So empowerment for us, when we eventually get it( the south of Ireland Ireland voted by a huge majority to legalise same-sex marriage, becoming the first country in the world to do so by popular vote) is now very much focused on that basic right.
Of course discrimination, whether externally or internally doesn’t end there, as we all know and have experienced. And all to often can occur within those societies that are or have been discriminated against.Which to some may seem paradoxically. Such is the nature and toxicity of discrimination and ignorance at large.It knows no limits or boundaries.
And as you have eluded in your article the only way through the marginalisation and ignorance is through education, meeting people in safe settings and a little bit of “ego checking!”
Being humble opens up so many doors and avenues to even more richer lives. That is a given.
Taking those first baby steps needs courage and sometimes a helping hand.A good friend,a wise relative, perhaps an empathic and skilled counsellor.
That’s you Michael!
Keep spreading the word, beyond the rainbow.
Love and Pride forever.
C.J ????
Thank you C.J. for your eloquent email. Love and Pride forever to you and all those LGBTQ folks in Ireland (and everywhere, really).
Peace and fire,
Michael