by Benny Cartwright
We can be better
In general, life for me is good. I’ve got a good job, great friends, a place to live, a nice car, am part of a wonderful community, and all the things that many people strive for are mostly working out. But this past month has been rough, and I think it’s important to share because we all have a responsibility to make sure we are treating each other with respect in our community.
In fact, my original column for this month was going to be about something completely different, but I’ll put that idea on hold for another month.
On Feb. 5, Rick Cervantes and I hosted the second annual Hillcrest Honors celebration, which was a dazzling success. We welcomed hundreds of community members on a very wet, rainy night to Uptown Tavern to celebrate 137 people, businesses, organizations, and events, who were honored this year for their contributions in making Hillcrest such a fabulous neighborhood. We knew when we started this awards program that we were never going to make everyone happy, but we didn’t realize the level of vitriol some people would spew at us online.
I addressed this briefly in my January 2024 column, but as the event approached, the chatter online continued. On one Instagram account that was created to share anonymous “confessions” about Hillcrest, for a while, it basically turned into a space for people to dump on the Hillcrest Honors, Rick, and me, and all anonymously of course. We also heard from friends who work in the service industry that “this person” or “that person” was sitting at the bar trashing our celebration.
And of course, there were the whispers about why certain people were chosen and rumors that we only “choose our friends and supporters.” Which is far from the truth, as this year, I don’t even personally know half of the honoree list. They were all taken from community nominations that were submitted in November. Our goal in this has always been and will always be to uplift the many people who work hard to make Hillcrest a place so many of us want to be.
What’s so wrong with that idea?
After the Honors celebration passed, and we weren’t even done basking in the success of it all, more anonymous messages came. These were direct to Rick or me, and even more vile in tone. One person, writing from a social media account that had four posts, no profile photo, and three followers, wrote to me that they were going to “expose the threatening and abusive side” of the Hillcrest Honors, Rick, and me. Screenshots were taken and this account was immediately blocked.
Then, a couple weeks ago, there was a pro-Palestine rally that marched through Hillcrest, with a call for a ceasefire. As I do when any sort of march travels through Hillcrest, I like to document it, no matter my thoughts on the issue.
Before I continue, I will make it clear: War sucks. People being murdered by governments or terror groups is against everything we stand for as humans. I’d love to see a day when governments stop fighting each other and harming innocent civilians, so of course I support a ceasefire in the Middle East.
But my post was intended to document a march going through the neighborhood, without providing any commentary. Because of the lack of commentary (not expressing a viewpoint on the matter in my post), the dogpiling of messages came in. One person even called me an example of “gay shame” on their social media story.
I know that if I expressed an opinion on the matter I would have been attacked either way – so I have chosen to publicly stay out of it. It’s an issue I have no control over, but for anyone wondering, I have clearly stated my beliefs above.
But the harassment and bullying was intense. So intense that I deactivated some of my social media accounts because I want to be left alone. I absolutely love working for and advocating for the LGBTQ and other marginalized communities – it’s what I’ve spent my adult life doing. But it’s gotten to a point where those of us who care about doing the right thing and supporting the most vulnerable among us, have started fighting each other so much that we’re not getting anything done and letting the “other side” win. We’re a diverse community of people, but I think many of us want the same end goal, we just might not have the same ideas on how to get there.
We need to work through those issues so together, we can be a bigger force, and win. But when we attack people who are on our side, we lose them.
In fact, just before turning 40 in 2019, I left my longtime work at the San Diego LGBT Community Center, and decided to take a break before turning 40 in May 2020. I was burned out from serving the community and being a visible force and took some time to reflect. From that, I thought that what I wanted was to take a back seat, find a well-paying job that wasn’t involved in the community, and to just enjoy the second half of my adult life doing things I wanted to do.
For a while, I thought that was going to be the case, but I realized that I just can’t sit back. I love my community and I have the knowledge, ability, and resources to make my community a better place. So I’ve stepped way back up and will do anything and everything to bring my community together – and I almost let a few anonymous social media accounts get me down.
I was really upset for several days last week, and Rick was practically emotionally paralyzed by it. But then we realized, this is more about those people’s issues than our own. If they truly had issues with one or both of us, or the work we do, a mature person would reach out, ask to have coffee, or even a phone call to talk things out. My contact information is never hard to find.
I beg of our community to set aside our jealousy, insecurities, and strange hatred for each other, and celebrate each other’s accomplishments, build community, and be kind to one another. Many of us fought hard to get to a place like Hillcrest, where we could be free, and the last thing we expect is to be further harassed by members of our own community.
We can do better. I’m not giving up, but I can’t say the little jabs and messages don’t hurt. Thanks for listening.
–Benny Cartwright is a longtime activist and community leader. Reach him at [email protected]. Follow him on Instagram @BennyC80.
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