Houston, we have a problem. I’ve been talking in my sleep at night making myself crazy. I’m navigating the line between friend or lover. We learn so much from pop culture and all forms of media about how dating is such a minefield between apps, casual conversations in bars and having meet-cutes at your local coffee shops. As idealistic as this all sounds it feels like there are so many rules attached to each of these interactions. I was once told rule number one is that you’ve got to have fun, but baby when you’re done you’ve got to be the first to run. Joking aside, shows like Sex and the City debated these topics and I’ve heard loud and clear, “Don’t seem too eager”, “Don’t text too much after the first date”, “Don’t f*ck on the first date.” Or do, honestly, it’s your preference. It all feels so arbitrary and antiquated yet I keep finding myself going through the same pitfalls wondering where I stand with a potential crush or just finding someone attractive. Honestly, it’s exhausting. But how and when do the rules apply?
I’m not going to sit here and say just a few years ago it was easier to find your match because it wasn’t. I’ve asked countless people spanning all walks of life what was dating like pre apps and it’s a mixed bag of similarities. Are we lucky that everything and everyone is more accessible? I’m really not sure about that. Striking up a conversation on the cesspool that is Grindr feels empty. “Hey how are you?” Turns to “Nudes?” and finally “Let’s f*ck.” You’ll inevitably be #Blocked. That’s a love story in three sentences. Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by someone on a dating app. Let’s be honest, whether we swipe for our friends, get on Tinder for a free meal or flaked on a date at the very last second a lot of us are guilty of something.
I love making new connections, but the cost is sometimes feeling as if people want to be my friend more than they want something serious and I start thinking… “Should I text him?”, “Is he interested?” “Why would he pick something to do that feels so date-like?” These questions plague me constantly and the reality is these thoughts shouldn’t dictate my ability to be direct with someone I’m interested in. Needless to say, there’s nothing wrong with cultivating new friendships but let’s be real, I want more. So, what happens when you feel maybe you’ve done all the right things, and it still turns a little messy? Story time.
I was recently ghosted by someone, we’ll call him DiGornio. If you’re a little perplexed by the nickname, the company slogan is “It’s not delivery, it’s DiGornio.” Extra context, he’s a handsome man who works at a pizza place, but the rest is a secret I’ll never tell. The reality is he’s not delivering anything but confusion. “It’s not delivery, he’s just a dick.” in every sense of that sentence. We texted frequently for a few weeks and eventually we met up for… well I’m sure you can all guess (sorry mom and dad). Anyways, strings of follow-up texts and cancelled plans later came the silence. Do I call ghost busters? Is the call coming from inside the house? Contrary to what people may believe, ghosting is a response and a very clear one at that, but it’s still bewildering when you’re on the receiving end. It doesn’t feel great when one day they’re there and the next they aren’t. With these conflicting emotions on what could so have done differently, I decided to do what any sane and rational person would. I called upon my friends to set me on the right path or at least tell me what they perceive the rules are.
Mission Control to Ground Zero, my heart is floating out in the cold depths of space that we call dating. SOS? For those of you who are new here, I’m your beloved Korie Bradshaw & my friends Luis, Brian, Anthony and Bria are here to round out my views on love, sex and relationships. I ask once more what are the rules of dating? In this case what rules do I need to set for myself when I’m putting my heart on the line?
Luis, my Samantha…got me wondering why do I care so much? F*ck or be f*cked and move on. After all is said and done life is too short to worry about these men. Albeit he had his own problems to navigate with a clingy gentleman caller and continuing to set intentions with people that he’s not looking for something so serious. Within our discussion we concluded that while living life in his own parameters the golden rule is to be honest about what you want, we’re not here to waste each other’s time. I won’t name his cling-on, but I can tell you that sometimes even those who seem so assured of what they want actually don’t care about how they navigate the road there. I couldn’t agree more but can we tell that to DiGiornio?
Brian, the Miranda in my life, says the rules aren’t so simple. His main one he’s created for himself is, believing who someone is when they show you the worst versions of themself. As someone who is sometimes willing to give too many chances, the points of no return sometimes hit harder than ever and he finds himself asking the question, “What was the point?” Is it wrong to believe the best in others? Brian recently had a brief man friend we’ll call. Cadet Kelly. (Please watch the Disney channel original movie starring Hilary Duff for reference of what this man does for a living). Anyways, Brian and our Cadet weren’t a match. For the cadet it went from “I haven’t had anything serious in a while”, to going ghost in a matter of weeks. Does that experience resonate with anyone else?
Anthony, my pearl clutching Charlotte, still the ever hopeless romantic but he’s not above a good make out session on the first date. Even when he’s ready to deviate against his rules he somehow manages to find a reason to go back to it. One night at the club he had a scenario with a man we’ll call the witch. Why? His hat was giving American Horror Story: Coven. Ryan Murphy couldn’t be more proud. Anthony decided to make out with this man for what seemed like eons and all he got out of it was strep throat. I received several text messages after that night out saying that a curse was put upon him. I didn’t learn anything from this scenario but I’m sure Anthony did.
Lastly, we can’t forget Bria, the closest equivalent in my life to Stanford. Bria is someone who always keeps me humble, and lord knows I need it. She’s genuine, down to earth and can bring humor to a situation along with a sense of realism. She recently found a new boo thing and she seems happier than I’ve seen her in a long time. The beauty of our friendship is the highs, the lows, the ghosting and the roasting are all experienced in a way that is so natural for us to share with one another she reminds me of the humanity in everything. Even if you followed the “rules” and your situation turns from a blossoming connection to a doomed one in the blink of an eye, one person’s trash is another person’s treasure, at least that’s what I’ve been allegedly told. A direct quote from her is “If something is meant for you, then why does it feel so forced?” She’s not wrong, and this applies to all the people that have come and gone from our lives.
To DiGornio I say, thank you for the sex, in that sense you definitely delivered. But where’s that pizza you promised at my doorstep? For everything else there’s a lesson to be learned. I willingly give up my time and energy to men who are undeserving and simply put I can do better. I’m equally the problem in learning how to manage my expectations of a potential partner. No one owes you anything in life, but it would be growth across all levels if people were just honest more often. No one is one hundred percent genuine in every aspect of life and I’ve made my share of mistakes. When it comes to dating though, my own rule is to just be authentic.
From all our stories, even Anthony’s spellbinding night with the witch, we need to tell ourselves the truth even if it’s hard to hear. As far as these “rules” go maybe Marina and Dua Lipa are correct in their assessments, but we’re all capable of so much more. Don’t be afraid to be too much, to make a move, and lastly don’t let everyone else’s experiences dictate how you move forward. So, what rules do you create for your own dating journeys?
