• Home
  • About us
  • Advertising
  • Digital Archive
  • Contact
    • Letter to the Editor
Tuesday, February 7, 2023
No Result
View All Result
NEWSLETTER
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news-logo-475x166
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Film
    • Music
    • Books
    • Theater
    • Q Syndicate
  • News & Features
    • News
      • Court News
      • News Briefs
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
        • Mara W. Elliot
        • Summer Stephan
        • Susan Davis
        • Toni G. Atkins
    • Features
  • Food & Drink
    • Hot Dish
    • Restaurant Reviews
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • Travel
    • The Frivolist
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Queer Parenting
    • Notes from Toni
    • Trans Talk with Connor
    • Pozitively Michael
    • Powerful Black Women
    • Lambda Archives
  • Business
    • Best of Gay San Diego
    • Business Profile
    • Wedding Directory
    • Expert Advice
    • Sponsored Links
  • Out & About
  • Calendar
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news-logo
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Film
    • Music
    • Books
    • Theater
    • Q Syndicate
  • News & Features
    • News
      • Court News
      • News Briefs
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
        • Mara W. Elliot
        • Summer Stephan
        • Susan Davis
        • Toni G. Atkins
    • Features
  • Food & Drink
    • Hot Dish
    • Restaurant Reviews
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • Travel
    • The Frivolist
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Queer Parenting
    • Notes from Toni
    • Trans Talk with Connor
    • Pozitively Michael
    • Powerful Black Women
    • Lambda Archives
  • Business
    • Best of Gay San Diego
    • Business Profile
    • Wedding Directory
    • Expert Advice
    • Sponsored Links
  • Out & About
  • Calendar
No Result
View All Result
lgbtq-san-diego-county-news
No Result
View All Result

3 Questions about Open Relationships

By Michael Kimmel

07/21/2022
in Columns, Community Voices, Feature, Featured, Features, Life Beyond Therapy
0
3 Questions about Open Relationships
0
SHARES
91
VIEWS

Recently, I was interviewed by a freelance gay reporter from NYC about open relationships. He found me through my book, “The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage” (to check it out, click here: https://lifebeyondtherapy.com/mybook/). I don’t know when his article will be published, but I wanted to share the 3 best questions from the interview with LGBTQ San Diego now:

Interviewer: A recent study suggests that nearly a third of gay relationships are open, with earlier research suggesting these rates are higher, closer to 50 percent. I was fascinated when I read your take on “double testosterone relationships” in your book. Why do you think open relationships are more common among gay men? 

Michael: In my experience, I think that most straight men would love to be in open relationships, but most straight women aren’t down for that. I’ve been at sports bars with gay friends where straight men have told us, “I wish I was gay, because then I could have all the sex I wanted to…women want to be wined and dined, but us guys just want a good, hot f*ck”. 

As I talk about in my book, testosterone is a hormone, and it encourages what Freud calls, “id-driven desires”, like wanting to eat, sleep and have sex whenever we want it. It’s been identified as a “primitive” desire in the oldest part of our brain. As a psychotherapist, it’s my experience that two men together are going to have more sex (with more people) than a man and a woman or two women together. 

Perhaps if straight men had partners like Samantha on “Sex and the City”, they would act like we gay guys do: having sex with lots of different partners, and often.  

I think that open relationships are under-reported. Most gay relationships are – periodically – open in some way, e.g., hooking up (as a couple) with another guy or having “happy ending” massages. I’d estimate that only about 25% of all gay relationships are completely monogamous. 

Interviewer: What do you find are the biggest challenges for gay couples when exploring open relationships (compared to straight and lesbian couples) and why is that?

Michael: Jealousy and insecurity are the biggest challenges that I see from my therapist’s chair: it’s not easy when your partner is having great sex and you’re not. It’s not easy when you appear (to your partner) to be falling in love with someone else. It’s not easy when you find yourself gaining weight – COVID or not – and don’t feel desirable, but your partner has lost his “COVID-15”, gone back to the gym and is hooking up with a new twink every night. 

Competition fuels jealousy. Two men together are more competitive than a man and a woman or two women: it’s that damned testosterone again! We both want to win, to be the more handsome, wealthier, more successful partner. We compete with our partners, whether we want to admit it or not…and sex is one area where we compete. “The Ethical Slut” (a great book) dealt with this subject from a woman’s point of view, my book addresses it for gay men.

Interviewer: What are the more common reasons gay couples open their relationships?

Michael: Many men will say, “Boredom”, but I think there’s more to it than that. I think – as men who love men – that we want sex lives full of variety and excitement and, unlike straight men, many of us are not willing to settle for less. And, our hormones egg us on: our dicks lead us to hooking up even when our minds and emotions may not be totally on board. 

No matter how much we love our partner, we still want sex that is new and exciting. Sure, we want to know that our husband is there for us, loves us, and has our back, but we want Superman in bed and Clark Kent at tax time…and that’s pretty damned hard to pull off! We not only want Superman in bed, we want to be Superman in bed! 

Maybe these demands for the Superman/Clark Kent combo are too much for any one man to satisfy, so we may choose to be Emotionally Monogamous with our partner (he’s our main man, the one we’ll always be there for) but also Sexually Non-Monogamous with him (we can enjoy sex with other men without threatening our primary relationship). 

It sounds simple in theory, but it can be tricky to pull off in real life: emotions like jealousy and insecurity rear their ugly heads no matter how secure we are. But, for those willing to work through these challenges, the potential is rich indeed. I’m not saying that Open Relationships are better than Monogamous ones, what I am saying is that they are different, and, as such, have their own joys and sorrows.

—Michael Kimmel is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in helping LGBTQ clients achieve their goals and deal with anxiety, depression, grief, sexually addictive behavior, coming out, relationship challenges and homophobia. Contact him at 619-955-3311 or visit lifebeyondtherapy.com.

Next Post
Saving LGBTQIA+ Lives from Drug Deaths with New Early Intervention Program 

Saving LGBTQIA+ Lives from Drug Deaths with New Early Intervention Program 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Read our digital edition

Volume 4, Issue 9, February 2023

SIGN UP FOR OUR NEWSLETTER

AIDS Memorial Groundbreaking to be Held February 1 AIDS Memorial Groundbreaking to be Held February 10th!. For over 35 years, there has been a campaign for San Diego to join cities across North America to establish an AIDS Memorial honoring and remembering the over 8,500 men, women, and children who have died of AIDS. Read full story on the link below.

http://ow.ly/16rR50ML1EG
The Devil is alive in the United States, and it li The Devil is alive in the United States, and it lives in right wing, Republican driven state legislators. According to an article written by Matt Loffman for PBS, the Human Rights Campaign has identified 30 state legislators who proposed more than 115 bills targeting Transgender, Gender Non-Conforming, and Non-Binary rights in their states. Everything from participation in sports to accessing medical care has been attacked. According to a poll conducted by PBS NewsHour/NPR/Marist fewer than 3 in 10 people support any anti-Trans legislation, yet the Republic legislators continue to introduce and vote for all of them. It is hard to understand why these Republicans are voted into office over and over when they obviously do not reflect the wishes of their constituents. click link to read more

http://ow.ly/smtK50MIEEA
What started as a personal social media project vi What started as a personal social media project via Instagram during the pandemic, Hillcrest San Diego has become a 10K subscriber resource for news, history, memes, and all things Hillcrest. We caught up with Rick Cervantes the force behind the account to get to know more about the motivation behind it, the plans for the Instagram account and the upcoming inaugural #hillcrestsandiego Honors with its reception schedule for Monday February 6 at Uptown tavern to honor local community members and organizations.
Read the full Interview on the link below
http://ow.ly/OJ9k50MIEBZ
Our community has been built on the need for resou Our community has been built on the need for resources and support, and sectors in our community have also been called to create organizations that enrich and serve their own specific needs. One such organization is the San Diego LGBTQ Coalition.  Read full article on the link below
https://lgbtqsd.news/san-diego-black-lgbtq-coalition-a-stronger-front-for-the-betterment-of-the-community/
Read all our February Issue Articles on our websit Read all our February Issue Articles on our website!
https://lgbtqsd.news

our on our Digital edition courtesy of issuu!
https://issuu.com/sdcnn0/docs/lgbtq_news_february_2023
They are fresh off the press! They are fresh off the press!
The February Issue is OUT Today! Pick up a copy a The February Issue is OUT Today! 
Pick up a copy around town!
We are Welcoming February with a NEW Issue! We are Welcoming February with a NEW Issue!
Black History Includes Black LGBTQ History! Black History Includes Black LGBTQ History!
Load More... Follow on Instagram
lgbtq_san_diego_county_news

© 2019 LGBTQ San Diego County News. All rights reserved.

Navigate our site

  • About
  • Advertise
  • Contact

Follow Us

No Result
View All Result
  • A&E
    • Art
    • Books
    • Film
    • Music
    • Q Syndicate
  • News & Features
    • News
    • Features
    • Politics
      • Elected Official Reports
      • Susan Davis
  • Food & Drink
    • Hot Dish
    • Restaurant Reviews
  • Opinion
    • Editorials
  • Lifestyle
    • Health & Fitness
    • The Frivolist
  • Business
  • Columns
    • Conversations with Nicole
    • Big Mike and Friends
    • Black Lives
    • C…Community
    • Frankly Speaking
    • Houston We Have a Problem
    • Life Beyond Therapy
    • My Good Tootie
  • Out & About
  • Contact
  • Archive
  • About
  • Advertising
  • Calendar

© 2019 LGBTQ San Diego County News. All rights reserved.

Login to your account below

Forgotten Password?

Fill the forms bellow to register

All fields are required. Log In

Retrieve your password

Please enter your username or email address to reset your password.

Log In