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The Trans Child Elephant in the Room: How do we protect our children without coddling them or isolating them?

By Brittany Berger

04/06/2023
in Columns, Community Voices, Feature, Featured, Features, Queer Parenting
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The Trans Child Elephant in the Room: How do we protect our children without coddling them or isolating them?
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This last weekend we joined my husband’s side of the family for a reunion. Nearly 30 of us took over a cul-de-sac of vacation homes and cabins on the Oregon Coast. My children got to see their cousins and reunite friendships, but this time there was a big elephant in the room. That elephant was anticipated but we weren’t sure how it was going to go. My Trans son was going to have to endure three nights and four days with family who we weren’t sure would be accepting or willing to use his correct pronouns and chosen name. I feared how my son was going to handle being dead-named and misgendered. 

The weeks leading up to this reunion I waffled about going and if we should avoid family who was misinformed and very opinionated about the state of the country regarding the recent political upswing of anti-Trans legislation. Some of my beloved in-laws are very conservative. What was the best thing to do for our son? Not going would surely only isolate him more in some respects, but going would definitely lead to feelings, discussions, and the need to prepare for crucial conversations. 

The first thing I did was have a hard conversation with my son. I wanted to know what he wanted to do and what his concerns were. I’m sure this would be different for every Trans person, but the reality is we had to make a choice. We had to decide if we were ready to request that these less accepting people use the right pronouns and avoid dead-naming our child or risk losing contact with them; that’s a big reality check as we feared that some of the family would not comply and would do so anyways and ignore any requests or bits of education we would provide.

The last thing we wanted to do was to put my child in the spotlight or have him be the center of family drama. However, my son wanted to go, and he felt ready and comfortable with where he is at to be his authentic self with family. So, my husband, our other three children, and myself agreed that we would, in solidarity, use the correct name and pronouns and gently correct those who did not, but to not make a big deal out of it. 

This is not the approach that I would suggest is the best way for everybody, but we happen to have enough family who was knowledgeable enough that would likely join us in nonchalantly being consistent, and that is exactly what they did. Maybe it was the accepting nature of the alcohol buzz going around, but by the end of the weekend there was just less and less correction and more and more people just using the right name. Sometimes people would slip up, but they learned to correct themselves and move on. 

Even the one person I was the most concerned about eventually loosened up and began to go with the flow after the first couple days. At first this person kept their kids away and kept a distance but that was the beauty of having kids; the kids wanted to play and hang out like teenagers do, and so this person had to also give their child space to bond with their cousin and just be kids! In fact, this one person would have actually been more isolated than we were if they hadn’t come around too. 

We were pleasantly surprised this weekend and my son had a very positive experience. Interestingly, we didn’t have to do any educating, but other family members did that for us at appropriate times. We had no idea we had Allies in our conservative side of the family. Part of the acceptance was that over the last two years we have had a chance to answer some peoples’ “whys” and “hows” and make our supportive stance known, but we had to get through that hurdle to get to this point. This experience has made me very curious how these situations go for others. I invite our readers to reach out and tell me how this experience was for them as a Trans person or parent of Trans child. What would you have done differently in our situation? What advice do you have for others going through this? This is such an important time for our families to prepare to build Allies and acceptance as so much of the country tries to dismantle the hard work of our LGBTQ+ elders. How do we plant the seeds of communication with those who are less accepting of our Trans children and how do we protect our children without coddling or isolating them further? You can email me at [email protected]

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September 2023, Volume 4, Issue 23

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It's the right time to get involved! Whether you w It's the right time to get involved! Whether you want to volunteer - or run for office - YOU can do it! @BennyC80 shares encouragement for anyone who wants to make a difference.

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It's the right time to get involved! Whether you w It's the right time to get involved! Whether you want to volunteer - or run for office - YOU can do it! @BennyC80 shares encouragement for anyone who wants to make a difference.

READ THE FULL STORY VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: lgbtqsd.news/its-the-right-time-to-get-involved/
@thestudiodoor is launching a new annual exhibitio @thestudiodoor is launching a new annual exhibition called ART+ LGBT History Month, in conjunction with October’s LGBT History Month.

Held Oct. 5-28, the month-long exhibit will feature the work of local artists, including Jackie Han, Carole Kuck, RD Riccoboni, Joe Phillips, and a number of works curated from Lambda Archives’ extensive collection.

READ THE FULL ARTICLE VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: https://lgbtqsd.news/get-your-art-on-for-lgbt-history-month/
BREAKING NEWS: Southern California Shop Owner Murd BREAKING NEWS: Southern California Shop Owner Murdered Over Rainbow Flag Dispute.

Lauri Rosenthal Carleton, owner of fashion boutique Mag.Pi (@magpi_shop) in Cedar Glen, Calif., was murdered Friday night, according to the San Bernardino Sheriff’s Department. Those close to Carleton say the gunman shot her over a dispute about an LGBTQ pride flag hung outside her shop.

According to an initial report by the San Diego Bernardino Sheriff’s Department, Carleton was shot by the male suspect who arrived at her store and erratically removed the pride flag she had hung outside of her shop to express her support for the LGBTQ community. 

Carleton was said to have confronted the male after he removed the flag, who then shot her multiple times before fleeing. Carleton was pronounced dead from the gunshot injuries on the scene by emergency medical personnel.

READ THE FULL STORY VIA THE LINK IN OUR BIO OR AT: https://lgbtqsd.news/southern-california-shop-owner-murdered-over-rainbow-flag-dispute/
Due to police activity that began just after 7:15p Due to police activity that began just after 7:15pm Thurs, today’s print issue of LGBTQ San Diego County News will be delayed.  Several streets near our printer’s office remained closed as of 11:30am this morning. 

We will update you as we learn more. 

In the meantime visit lgbtqsd.news to read our digital @Issuu. We are working to get all stories posted online by day’s end. 

Our friends at @abc10news have the full story on the Carlsbad standoff at bit.ly/3YqkhBB or via the link in our bio. 

Photo by Maria Coronel- 10 News
🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Happy Pride, San Di 🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️ Happy Pride, San Diego! We hope you’re having a wonderful, safe, joyful celebration this weekend! 

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🏳️‍🌈 #SDPride weekend is now here! Benny 🏳️‍🌈 #SDPride weekend is now here! Benny Cartwright (@BennyC80) shares his thoughts on poor behavior by some non-LGBTQ guests in our local bars and venues.

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🏳️‍🌈🎨 The PROUD+ exhibition, produced 🏳️‍🌈🎨 The PROUD+ exhibition, produced by @TheStudioDoor, will feature the artwork of 50 contemporary artists from across the nation who identify as LGBTQIA+. 

Read all about it at the link in our bio.

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🏳️‍🌈 Looking for something to do the Mon 🏳️‍🌈 Looking for something to do the Monday after Pride? We've got a couple options listed in our 2023 #SDPride Guide!

On Monday, July 17, if you're feeling like giving back, you can join the Bankers Hill or Hillcrest Post-Pride Community Cleanups! If you're feeling more like letting loose (or after the cleanup), head to @gossipgrill_ for F*#k Pride Monday!

Get the details at the link in our bio.

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